Star Wars III: Revenge of the Spoof
by Feeding-The-Wolves
Summary: A revised version of my original parody- my penname used to be XenaGirl. Enter a Galaxy where General Grievous holds Alcoholics Anonymous meetings; Anakin is addicted to oven cleaner; and the Jedi battle the Sith in fierce Guitar Hero duels.
1. Jedi to the Rescue

**Hi! My name is Maddie (aka Feeding-The-Wolves) for those of you who don't know me, and this is a rewritten version of my original parody of Revenge of the Sith. It was the first fanfic I'd ever written, so to be honest it wasn't all that good; but for some reason, people still liked it. Yay! Hopefully people will like it even more now, because I've improved every single sentence, changed the parts that didn't work too well, and added in heaps of new stuff. I even wrote a special epilogue, which I'm really excited about!**

**I should probably warn you guys that the chapters are quite short, which might annoy some people. Sorry about that, but it's just the way the story panned out. Oh, and if you're an Anakin fan, you might want to look away now... I really don't like his character, so I have not been kind to him.**

**Rating: T- there's some coarse language (not too serious though), sexual references, and plenty of drug and alcohol use.**

**Disclaimer: Aside from my own inventions, the characters, plots and settings in this story all belong to George Lucas and co. I also don't own **_**Grey's Anatomy. **_**And I think Jacuzzi might be a trademark name, so I don't own that either.**

High above the planet Coruscant, the battle raged between the Separatists and the Republic's clone army. Hundreds of small fighter ships swarmed around the huge Separatist battleships, emitting green and red laser bolts. Amid the flurry of movement and noise, no-one noticed two small starfighters fly into the fray; one red, the other yellow.

In the red fighter sat Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, a distinguished member of the Jedi Council, and a famous warrior. He had short, light brown hair and a reasonably ugly beard, along with deep blue eyes that many women had described as far sexier than those of any other Jedi Master. At this point in time, these eyes were filled with a considerable amount of annoyance, because he was far from pleased with his current situation.

Obi-Wan's former apprentice, Anakin Skywalker, sat in the yellow fighter. His hair was longer and darker. A jagged scar stretched across the right side of his face, a result of an unfortunate encounter with a drag queen in one of Coruscant's nightclubs. No-one except Anakin and his wife knew this, however; he had told everyone that he had been attacked by a bounty hunter. Anakin had spent years perfecting his image as a dark, brooding sex symbol.

The two Jedi had been sent to rescue Chancellor Palpatine of the Galactic Senate, who had been kidnapped by the leader of the Separatists, General Grievous. Obi-Wan did not relish this mission; he would much rather be back at the Temple, eating nachos and watching _Grey's Anatomy_. However, Anakin appeared to be almost wild with excitement. He was grinning widely and steering his starfighter with an energy that verged on recklessness. As Obi-Wan followed at a more sensible pace, he noticed that Anakin had furry dice hanging from the roof of his cockpit. There was also a bumper sticker which read, "I don't brake for Separatists" on the back of his fighter.

Anakin was passing the time by telling Obi-Wan stories of his time as an illegal artefacts dealer.

"So anyway, the stolen TVs were actually made by _Wookiies_! Ha! Actually no, that wasn't very funny... I had one of those TVs in my bedroom, and it exploded. But it _was _funny when we found out that the microwaves were actually made by-"

"Now is not the time to treat me to 'The All-Time Greatest Mistakes of Anakin Skywalker'," Obi-Wan interrupted loudly. "We'll need weeks and a great deal of alcohol for that."

R2-D2, the astromech droid who sat in the roof of Anakin's starfighter, beeped an exhausted sigh. This sort of thing happened every time he went on a mission with these two Jedi. The little droid emitted a series of shrill beeps and whistles which roughly translated to mean: "Why do I always get the crap missions? I should have become a beauty therapist".

If Anakin had bothered to look at the screen in front of him, he would have seen this translation. However, he didn't bother. No-one ever listened to R2. The droid briefly considered contacting R4, the droid who was accompanying Obi-Wan, and asking her out on a date just to annoy the Jedi, but he decided it wasn't worth it.

"Ooh!" Anakin cried suddenly, sitting up very straight in his seat. "General Grievous' ship is directly ahead, Master!"

Obi-Wan yelled in shock as he felt blaster bolts pummel the side of his starfighter.

"Oh... wait, that's you. Sorry," Anakin said sheepishly.

Sighing in a long-suffering manner, Obi-Wan instructed R4 to do what she could to repair the damage. "That big battleship over there with the built-in Jacuzzi is Grievous' ship, Anakin."

The two Jedi swooped down towards the colossal starship. However, before they could reach it, a dozen enemy ships broke away from the Separatist battleship and flew towards them, firing energy bolts. Obi-Wan activated his comlink and contacted the clone who was flanking his starfighter. This particular clone was named Cody, which was odd as the other clones all had names like Gamma 328, and he was the commander of his battalion.

"Commander Cody, follow us and guard our asses," Obi-Wan ordered.

Cody quickly accessed a language database in his ship's computer. _What does "ass" mean? Oh._

"Yes, sir," Cody said obediently, signalling his troops to go into attack formation.

As Obi-Wan watched the clones and the Separatist fighters clash, he decided it would be a good idea to give Anakin something to do, otherwise he was liable to fly off and kill something.

"Anakin, you can help shoot down the enemy ships, while I go this way and-"

"Wooooooooo!" Anakin yelled as he streaked towards the battle, performing a few loop-de-loops on the way. He circled around the remaining enemy ships and shot them down with his laser cannon. Unfortunately, a few of the laser bolts rebounded off the durasteel hull of the battleship, hitting Cody's starfighter, and he spun out of control and exploded in a ball of flame.

"Well, that could have gone better," Obi-Wan said wearily as he steered his ship down towards the battleship.

"I think I did pretty well," Anakin commented in a surprised tone.

Obi-Wan snorted disbelievingly. "You killed Commander Cody!"

"He was just a clone," the younger Jedi said dismissively. "Clones are disposable, like tissues, or pop stars." Turning sharply, Anakin aimed his starfighter towards the hangar bay of the battleship.

Wondering distantly which pop stars Anakin was thinking of, Obi-Wan followed his companion towards the hangar bay. The two starfighters landed violently on the duracrete floor, sending sparks flying; Anakin and Obi-Wan leaped out of their ships as they skidded across the hangar. A group of Battle Droids spun around and ran towards them, lifting their blasters. Obi-Wan ignited his lightsaber and began to deflect the droids' blaster fire; rather than attempting to help, Anakin instead chose to examine a scratch on the hull of his starfighter. Over the years, he had become very skilled at subtly avoiding any kind of work.

"Oh sure Anakin, just stand there and do nothing while I kill these droids myself!" Obi-Wan snapped as he beheaded a droid with a swing of his lightsaber.

"Okay, thanks!" Anakin called cheerfully.

Once Obi-Wan had dispatched the last of the droids, he deactivated his lightsaber and stalked back over to his lazy associate.

"Hey, do you think I could buff this out?" Anakin asked, indicating the scratch on his starfighter.

Obi-Wan reignited his lightsaber and plunged the blade into the hull of the fighter. "I doubt it," he said as he walked away across the hangar.

Anakin stared in horror at the smoking hole Obi-Wan had inflicted on his pride and joy. "Master, you must control these homicidal tendencies! Have you taken your medication today?"

Obi-Wan spun around and snarled, "Shut up, or I'll bust a cap on your ass!"

The younger Jedi rolled his eyes. Regaining control of his anger with a few deep breaths, Obi-Wan turned to R2-D2.

"R2, locate the Chancellor."

Much to everyone's surprise, Chancellor Palpatine's comlink signal appeared to be coming from the Senate.

Obi-Wan scratched his chin, frowning. "That's weird. According to that signal, he's on Coruscant."

"Well these things never work anyway," Anakin said matter-of-factly. "Did you know they are made by-"

"Yeah, whatever," Obi-Wan interrupted quickly before his friend could launch into another of his stories. "Let's see if this ship has a bar. We can find the Chancellor later."

Anakin grinned. "You read my mind!"

At last, something they could agree on.

**Alcohol is going to be a recurring theme in this story, especially around Anakin. I like to think that a drinking problem would explain his behaviour during the whole saga.**

**Anyway, I hope you liked the first chapter! Please review and tell me what you think! The next chapter will be up soon, providing I don't forget about it.**


	2. Second Time Lucky

**Here's the second chapter, as promised. Count Dooku makes his only appearance in this chapter. He is actually my favourite Sith Lord, so I was disappointed when he got killed off. Maybe I could have given him a more dignified death in my story, but oh well.**

**Disclaimer: I'm just going to write the exact same thing every single time, because I'm lazy. Aside from my own inventions, the characters, plotlines and settings in this story all belong to George Lucas and co. Cyber-Dolphins belong to me, of course. Revenge of the Sith would have been way more fun if Grievous was feeding people to his Cyber-Dolphins during the movie.**

In the control room of the ship, a dozen Pilot Droids were quietly going about their business when the doors slid open and General Grievous stalked in. He was an imposing cyborg who stood several heads taller than the average human. His body was covered in white armour plating, and he had glowing orange eyes. Flanking Grievous on both sides were his "boys", two droids who had been assigned as his bodyguards. They wielded unusual weapons with double purple energy blades. Not that Grievous needed the protection; Count Dooku had trained him in the Jedi arts.

The cyborg reached into his cloak and pulled out a cigar. He lit it, sucked on it for a moment, and then exhaled the smoke, coughing.

"What did you call me here for?" Grievous demanded, taking a menacing step towards the head Pilot Droid. "I was meditating with my Cyber-Dolphins. You'd better have a good reason for interrupting me!"

General Grievous had a weakness for Cyber-Dolphins, mechanical versions of the squeaking sea creatures which are often known to leap out of the water and hit rubber balls. Cyber-Dolphins possessed much sharper teeth than normal dolphins and also liked to eat humans; these were just two of the reasons Grievous liked them so much.

The Pilot Droid cleared its throat. "There are two Jedi in the main hangar bay, sir."

Grievous sucked on his cigar, pleased. "Hmm, good. Bring them up here. I've been looking for someone to feed to my Cyber-Dolphins."

The Pilot Droid shifted in its seat, feeling about as worried as it was possible for an emotionless machine to be. Lord Sidious had instructed Grievous not to kill, mutilate or insult any more Jedi, as it merely complicated the situation. Who should the droid disobey: the mysterious, terrifying Lord Sidious, or the psychopathic General Grievous? Neither choice was very appealing.

"With all due respect, sir," the droid began hesitantly, "The Emperor said-"

"Shut up," Grievous coughed. "You're now on Cyber-Dolphin feeding duty for the next two weeks!"

If it had been an organic life form, the poor droid would have fainted. Five droids had already been eaten by Grievous' pets, and that was only in the past week! _This appears to have been an unwise career choice_, the droid reflected gloomily.

So far, Obi-Wan and Anakin had been able to move through the empty corridors of the Separatist ship with little difficulties. According to their information, the bar was on the top level of the ship, so they were currently standing in front of a turbolift, waiting patiently for the doors to open. Within a few moments, there was a clanking noise, and the doors slid open, revealing a troop of Battle Droids standing in the turbolift. Obi-Wan quickly deflected the droids' blaster bolts, then stepped into the lift and swung his lightsaber in wide arcs, reducing the droids to heaps of smoking metal. Meanwhile, Anakin stood outside the turbolift and casually pressed the buttons on the control panel; usually Obi-Wan fell for this trick.

Once Obi-Wan had kicked the ruined droids out into the corridor, the two Jedi stepped into the turbolift and the doors closed behind them. They stood quietly, listening to the tinkling elevator music, as the lift zoomed upwards.

Suddenly, there was a 'ding' and the turbolift doors slid open.

"Oh, are we there already? That was quick." Anakin stepped out of the turbolift and fell into empty space. Obi-Wan stared open-mouthed at the spot where his companion had been standing only a second ago.

Before Anakin could plummet to his death, he managed to grab onto a ledge on the side of the turbolift. Feet scrabbling on the lift's smooth surface, he hauled himself up onto the roof of the lift. As he crouched there, panting, he considered his situation. It was evident, even to Anakin, that someone must have stopped the turbolift.

Inside the lift, Obi-Wan was feeling slightly disappointed. He had secretly been hoping that Anakin would fall to his death; then, he would be able to get the mission done on his own. The Jedi Master decided to take matters into his own hands. He carefully examined the turbolift control panel.

_How can I get him to fall off the roof and plummet to his death? Is there a button for that?_

Obi-Wan hopefully pressed a large red button, and the lift dropped abruptly on its cables. As the lift sped downwards, Anakin tumbled off the roof and began to fall. Luckily, there was a small ledge on the side of the lift shaft, which he managed to grab onto as he fell. Unluckily, there were two Battle Droids standing on the ledge. As Anakin hung on with bruised and aching fingers, the droids raised their blasters.

"Hands up, Jedi," one of the droids ordered. "Haha. God I'm good. I should become a stand-up comedian."

"Can I be a comedian too?" the other droid asked hopefully.

"Uh, no. Get your own talent."

"Well, I'm pretty good at chess-"

The droid's speech was abruptly cut off as the turbolift shot back up the shaft, crushing both droids and returning Anakin to his old position on the lift's roof. Igniting his sky-blue lightsaber, Anakin sliced a large, circular hole in the roof and leaped through it. Obi-Wan spun around as his friend landed on all fours on the floor. He sighed; no matter how cunning he was, Anakin always survived.

At that moment, the lift door slid slowly open, revealing a huge, mercifully empty room. There was a wide window on the wall opposite the two Jedi, giving them a panoramic view of the space battleground.

"Hey, this isn't a bar," Anakin remarked, looking around him in surprise.

"No," Obi-Wan said, frowning. "This is where the Council said the Chancellor would be."

"In the bar?" Anakin gasped. "I knew it."

Obi-Wan gave his former apprentice a look of pure disdain. Anakin was always pretending he knew what was going on, even when he obviously didn't. Back in the days when he had been Anakin's Master, Obi-Wan had heard the phrase "So what are we supposed to be doing?" far too many times.

As the two Jedi walked slowly out into the centre of the room, a door hissed open behind them. They spun around, hands flying to their lightsabers. It was Count Dooku.

The fallen Jedi smiled mockingly as he strode towards them, his black cape rippling at his ankles. Count Dooku's hair and beard were silver-grey, and his face was lined and wrinkled; in short, he was no spring chicken. However, both Obi-Wan and Anakin were aware that he was still a formidable opponent. Anakin in particular had learned to respect his elders when Dooku had sliced off his hand the last time they met.

"And so, we meet again," the Count said smoothly, stopping a few metres away from the two Jedi.

"Count Dooku!" Obi-Wan remarked unnecessarily. He always liked to state the obvious, just in case Anakin was having trouble understanding the situation.

"Do you know where the bar is?" asked Anakin, confirming Obi-Wan's suspicion that his friend had no idea what was going on.

Dooku frowned in confusion, causing the lines on his forehead to deepen. "No, I'm afraid I don't normally go to bars. I only drink Mustafarian Lava Whiskey, you see, and most alcoholic beverage vendors don't sell it."

Obi-Wan waved his hand, dismissing this remark completely. "Never mind that. We're here to kill you and rescue the Chancellor!"

"Chancellor?" The Count looked even more confused. "Is that some new kind of drink? A cocktail, perhaps?"

Even Anakin knew that this was not the answer they had been anticipating.

"You kidnapped the Chancellor, didn't you?"

"No," Dooku replied. "I didn't even know the Chancellor was missing. Lord Sidious never tells me anything these days! Ever since Grievous came along, I haven't been given any of the fun missions." He shook his head sadly.

"Maybe that's because you're really, really old," Anakin said unreassuringly. "But anyway, let's do it!"

Count Dooku frowned again. "Are you hitting on me?" He cleared his throat nervously and adjusted his cape, muttering to himself, "Well, only if you want to. It's been a while, but-"

"No!" Obi-Wan snapped. "He meant that we should fight!"

"Oh, I see," the Count said, detaching his curved lightsaber from his belt. "Well, once we've done that, maybe we could go out and have a few drinks together... then maybe we could go back to your place, I don't know-"

Instead of politely declining this offer, Obi-Wan swung his lightsaber at Count Dooku, who blocked the attack with his own red sabre. They began the mindless pattern of block, parry, thrust, while Anakin stared absently out the window. After the disastrous outcome of their last battle with Count Dooku, Anakin was sure Obi-Wan wouldn't want his help.

Suddenly, Dooku froze, and his eyes widened in shock. His lightsaber clattered to the ground; moments later, he keeled over, as stiff as a board. Obi-Wan deactivated his lightsaber and stared down at his fallen opponent in disbelief.

"Hey, what happened to him?" Anakin asked. He had never come across a human with a self-destruct mechanism before.

"I think he had a stroke."

"What?" Anakin gasped, wrinkling his nose. "That's disgusting!"

"Not that kind of stroke," Obi-Wan sighed. "Anyway, let's go and look for the bar, and then we can get off this death trap of a ship."

Leaving Count Dooku's corpse lying sprawled on the floor, the two Jedi left the room and hurried along the corridor.

**Like I said, kind of an undignified death. Poor Count Dooku! Speaking of, why doesn't he have a first name? I looked on Wookieepedia, and as far as I could tell, his name is just Dooku. Anyway, I'm getting slightly off track here. **

**If you're reading this story, please please review! Even if you don't have any actual constructive feedback for me, I would still love to hear from you! I'd like to know how many readers I have. **

**Next chapter: the Jedi meet General Grievous.**


	3. Enter The General

**Only three chapters along, and I already have about eight readers (as far as I know, anyway)! That makes me very happy! :D Please keep reviewing!**

**The Clone Wars series is now being played on one of the free TV channels, so I'm going to start watching it. Strangely, even though I have watched some of the show before and I know it's terrible, I'm still looking forward to it. What do you guys think of it?**

**Disclaimer: Aside from my own inventions, the characters, plotlines and settings in this story all belong to George Lucas and co. I almost wrote General Grievous just then. Interesting.**

**Anyway, on with the story.**

Obi-Wan and Anakin snaked through the corridors of the Separatist battleship, searching desperately for the elusive bar. For fifteen minutes, they had no luck whatsoever. However, as they rounded yet another corner, Anakin suddenly stopped short. "Hey, look at this, Obi-Wan."

Obi-Wan turned around to find his friend pointing at a few words which were engraved into the durasteel wall beside a door.

"What does it say?" Obi-Wan asked.

"It says 'Control Room'," Anakin replied.

"Oh... wait- no, don't open the door!"

But Obi-Wan's warning came too late; Anakin had already pressed a button on the wall beside the doors. They slid open with a hiss. Inside the room, droids sat at banks of computers, pressing the controls with their skeletal fingers. As the doors opened, several Battle Droids turned, their heads swivelling towards the two Jedi standing stock-still at the entrance. They raised their blasters and rushed towards Obi-Wan and Anakin. The two Jedi were disarmed in seconds.

"Great," Obi-Wan sighed as he raised his hands in submission. "Just great."

Anakin raised his hands as well, looking around him in disappointment. "This isn't the bar either."

"Thank God you're here to tell me these things, Anakin."

At that moment, a door to their right slid open, and General Grievous stalked into the room, followed by his bodyguards. His yellow eyes burned with anger as he perceived the two Jedi standing amidst about a dozen droids.

"Welcome to my lair, Jedi," Grievous said, sneering at his guests. "Your lightsabers will make a fine addition to my collection."

He pulled his cloak away from his chest, revealing three lightsabers strapped to the lining.

"You have like three lightsabers!" Anakin blustered. "That's not a collection! I have over three hundred stamps, and-"

Obi-Wan punched his companion in the shoulder, whispering, "Shut up, Anakin!"

While Anakin rubbed his shoulder, grimacing, Obi-Wan attempted to repair the damage that his friend had done. "Sorry, General Grievous. I can explain... you see, Anakin is an idiot. None of this is in any way my fault."

"Didn't you train him?" Grievous asked, smirking in amusement. "That would imply that his incompetence _is _your fault."

"Well, I did my best with what I had," Obi-Wan said defensively. "I didn't have much to work with."

"I see," Grievous coughed. "Do you like Cyber-Dolphins, Jedi?" His eyes gleamed threateningly.

Obi-Wan began to babble nervously. "Oh, er, yes. I have one of those CDs with the Cyber-Dolphins squeaking, I use it when I-"

"I hate Cyber-Dolphins," Anakin interrupted loudly. "Their large teeth make me uneasy."

Grievous roared, enraged, and turned away from them, gathering his cloak in his clawed hands.

"Kill them!" he shouted, waving his bodyguards forward.  
>The bodyguards advanced towards Obi-Wan and Anakin, drawing their unusual weapons. Obi-Wan used the Force to make his lightsaber shoot into his hand, and leaped towards his opponents.<p>

Anakin shook his head, bemused. "All I did was express an honest opinion," he said regretfully to the droid which was guarding him. The droid cocked its metal head to one side, looking confused.

"So, got any family?" Anakin asked the droid. "A wife and kids?"

The droid lifted its blaster and shot at Anakin, just for something to do.

Suddenly, the sound of an explosion echoed through the control room, and the ship lurched and shook. A huge energy bolt from one of the Republic's ships had crashed into the hull of the Separatist ship, causing a section of the ship to splinter and break away. As the ship tipped forward, the droids screamed and ran for the door, swiftly followed by General Grievous. Obi-Wan destroyed the bodyguards and joined Anakin, who had grabbed onto one of the control panels to keep himself standing.

"Can you fly this thing?" Obi-Wan yelled over the sound of screeching metal, as explosions ripped through the ship.

"Duh," Anakin snorted. "I can fly anything except Separatist battleships."

Obi-Wan started to feel a little disconcerted.

"There must be a steering wheel here somewhere," Anakin muttered, running his hands over the control panels. "What about this button?" He pressed a large red button, and the windscreen wipers came on. "No, that's not right..."

"Hey, Anakin," Obi-Wan called, pointing to a huge durasteel wheel which was positioned right in the centre of the control room. "This might be the steering wheel."

Anakin turned around, sighing, "Obi-Wan, I think I know a little more about this than you do."

The older Jedi rolled his eyes, pointing to the wheel. Anakin stared at it for a few moments.

"Well, how do you know that's the steering wheel? It could be anything."

"Just get up there, will you?" Obi-Wan snapped, strapping himself into one of the co-pilot seats.

"Ah". Anakin vaulted over the nearest control panel and took his place at the helm.

Although Anakin was a skilled pilot, even he had some difficulty guiding the ship towards the landing platform. As they streaked through the atmosphere of Coruscant in a ball of fire, the outlines of dull grey buildings began to appear. Anakin managed to locate a landing platform, and the ship crashed on the platform and slid to a slow halt. Through some miracle, they did not die horrible, fiery deaths, although there were a few dozen casualties among the general public.

"Man, I am good at this," Anakin gloated, putting his feet up on the dashboard as fire crews rushed to put out the blazes that had sprung up all over their ship. "I told you I could fly anything except a Separatist battleship"

Obi-Wan rolled his eyes. "Actually, this ship _is _a Separatist battleship."

Anakin sat up, his eyes widening in surprise; then, he grinned cockily. "Hey, I guess I can fly Separatist battleships, then!"

"That," muttered Obi-Wan, "is debatable."

**Yeah, I may have exaggerated Anakin's cocky manner a little bit. But not much. **

**Pleaseee review, and I'll have the next chapter up soon!**


	4. Secret Reunion

**Thank God the story is set on Coruscant now; that whole thing on the ship bores me. Like I said, the absence of the Chancellor will be explained in this chapter, and Padmé will be in the story for the first time. You know what annoys me about her? She was quite a strong, independent young woman in the first and second movies, and then suddenly she became a Mary-Sue in the third movie. What was George Lucas thinking? Anyway, this author's note is rambling on a bit, so I'm just going to end there.**

**Disclaimer: Aside from my own inventions, the characters, plotlines and settings in this story all belong to bla bla bla.**

Half an hour later, a small, luxurious airtaxi, with the two Jedi aboard, glided to a gentle stop outside the Senate. The doors slid open, but for a few moments, no-one emerged. Then, Anakin fell out of the airtaxi onto the platform, as if he had been forcibly ejected by a kick.

"Coming, Master?" he asked hopefully.

Obi-Wan's annoyed voice floated out from inside the airtaxi. "Ha! You wish. Since you almost got us killed, it is your job to report to the Senators and Master Windu. Besides, I need a very stiff drink after that landing."

"Aw, man," Anakin whined childishly. He hated talking to the Senators; they always called him "dearie" and commented on how much he had grown. "Well, alright. I'll meet you at the Outlander nightclub at eight."

"Okay, but please don't wear those earrings again," Obi-Wan sighed. "They caused us enough trouble last time- remember when Master Windu found them in your pocket? And to be perfectly honest it worries me that you actually own them."

Anakin's cheeks flushed crimson. "Yeah I guess you're right... but can I wear my-"

"No!"

"Okay, okay," Anakin sighed, backing away across the platform. "I'll see you later then."

The doors of the airtaxi slid shut, and the transport hovered quickly away from the platform, heading towards the Jedi Temple. Anakin watched it until it disappeared into the lines of traffic, then sighed and began to walk slowly towards the landing party.

A large group of Senators were waiting for him under the shade of the Senate's entrance, along with Jedi Masters Mace Windu and Ki-Adi Mundi, two of the most distinguished members of the Jedi Council.

Mace was a tall, well-built man with dark skin and a shiny, bald head. He was the only Jedi who carried a purple lightsaber; the jury was still out on why he had chosen this particular colour.

"Welcome back, Skywalker," Mace greeted Anakin. "How did the mission go?"

"I've got a bone to pick with you, Master Windu," Anakin said angrily. "Where is the kidnapped Chancellor, eh?"

Mace looked blankly at his colleague. "The Chancellor? Wasn't he on that ship with you?"

"Well, we looked everywhere for him, but- hey, there he is right there!"

Disbelievingly, Anakin raised a finger and pointed to the back of the group of Senators, where he could clearly see the short, grey-haired figure of Chancellor Palpatine.

"Oh," Mace said, not seeming shocked at all. "Hey, Chancellor."

"Hey," Chancellor Palpatine called in reply. He looked politely bewildered. "Was I kidnapped? I didn't know that."

Anakin's gaze whipped back to Master Windu, who did not look even slightly guilty. "Do you mean to tell me that you sent me and Obi-Wan on a pointless mission to-"

The young Jedi's speech trailed off as he noticed a familiar figure standing half-concealed behind a pillar.

"Excuse me, I have to go and...er, do my laundry," Anakin quickly excused himself. He bowed to the Senators and Jedi Masters, then ran away to meet his personal welcoming party.

Once he was sure that Anakin was out of earshot, Mace turned to his colleague. Ki-Adi Mundi was a Cerean; he possessed binary brains, which meant he was very good at thinking of cunning plans.

"Oh, well," Mace whispered. "At least we got rid of them for six months. Let's see if we can make it a year next time!"

Since Anakin had become a fully-fledged Jedi Knight, Mace and Ki-Adi had been sending him on fake missions, along with Obi-Wan. While the pair were away on these missions, the Jedi Masters could gain a few months of peace. This had been their best attempt yet.

"We could tell them that there's a wine convention somewhere, but not tell them _which _planet it's being held on," Ki-Adi suggested. "It would take them a while to find a non-existent wine convention, don't you think?"

"Great idea!" Mace laughed gleefully. Ki-Adi never failed to come up with a brilliant plan.

The person waiting for Anakin in the shadows was Senator Padmé Amidala, the woman who Anakin had fallen in love with and secretly married several years ago. This was the sort of thing Anakin did "just for kicks". She was dressed in elaborate Senatorial robes, and her silky brown hair was arranged in two buns on either side of her head. _That look will never catch on_, Anakin thought with amusement.

Anakin and Padmé were certain that no-one knew about their secret relationship. So, of course, all the Senators and all of the Jedi except for Obi-Wan had already figured it out. The couple certainly weren't helping their case by sharing a kiss in broad daylight.

"Oh, Anakin, I was so worried!" Padmé whispered once they had broken apart. "People told me you were dead!"

"Oh no, I wasn't dead," Anakin reassured her, "I was just very, very drunk."

When he observed the astonished look on Padmé's face, Anakin surmised that he had not told her about this incident. He inwardly kicked himself for bringing the subject back up again; he'd been in enough trouble when Obi-Wan found him sleeping in that dumpster.

"Oh... um, you weren't talking about that."

Padmé wisely decided not to ask. "Never mind. I have wonderful news!"

"What?" Anakin asked eagerly. "Did you manage to fit that big table through our apartment door?"

His wife frowned. This was turning out to be less and less like the joyful reunion she had imagined. "Annie... I'm pregnant."

Anakin opened and closed his mouth like a goldfish, causing him to look even stupider than usual. This was quite an unwelcome shock. It wasn't that he didn't like children. Kids were like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches; a good idea, but Anakin didn't really want to try them for himself.

"Okay," Anakin said slowly. "Who's the father?"

Padmé looked scornfully at him. "_You _are, Anakin."

"Oh! Right, right. Cool."

Once he had stopped speaking, Anakin shoved all baby-related thoughts into the part of his brain that he used the least: the part that controlled common sense. He would dredge up this subject again when the baby was born; there was no point dwelling on it now. Instead, he began to plan which drinks he would order at the Outlander. However, much to his annoyance, Padmé insisted on bringing the subject up again.

"Are we going to keep the baby?"

Anakin reluctantly returned to the present. "Well, we could always sell it for..."

He slowly trailed off as he caught sight of the look of horror on his wife's face.

"_Of course _we're going to keep it!" Anakin amended weakly.

Padmé glared indignantly at him. "I can't believe you're the father of my child."

Frankly, Anakin couldn't believe it either.

**Have you ever tasted a peanut butter and jelly sandwich? They're disgusting, I have no idea why people eat them. And it's called jam, not jelly. Anyway, I have once more gone way off the subject, so please review and tell me what you think of the story so far!**


	5. A New Sith Apprentice

**Fifth chapter! We're getting along nicely here. In this chapter is the most horrifying scene in the entire movie, in my opinion: the balcony scene, where Padmé is brushing her hair and they do that "No, I love you more" thing. I cringe every time I watch it. I can remember the first parody me and my friends thought up for that scene... it involved Padmé falling off the balcony, and Anakin yelling, "Oh no! The hairbrush!" However, I obviously couldn't use that in my parody, because if I killed off Padmé it might make writing the rest of the story a little bit complicated.**

**Oh and thankyou to Katie Ladmoore for explaining to me that jam and jelly are actually different things. I totally didn't know that! **

**Disclaimer: You know the drill. I don't own any of George Lucas' stuff, or Speedos.**

Far away from Coruscant lay the isolated planet of Utapau. It was a harsh, rocky planet, dotted with deep gorges and chasms. Just outside the capital city of the planet, a small starship was gliding across the uneven ground. It swooped down into a particularly large chasm, where the buildings and tunnels of the capital city were carved into the rocky walls. The starship touched down on a landing platform, beneath the huge bones of some long-dead creature. With a clang, the exit ramp fell to the ground, and General Grievous stomped down onto the landing platform, followed by his boys. The General had held tryouts yesterday in order to find replacements for his previous bodyguards; these two droids had proved their worth by performing a live execution.

Inside a cavern behind the landing platform, the Separatist leaders were seated at a long table, but Grievous stalked straight past them and entered a smaller chamber. In the centre of the room was a hologram transmitter; the General approached it and pressed a few buttons. A hologram of the menacing, cloaked figure of Lord Sidious appeared. Grievous bowed deeply, sweeping his cloak away from the floor.

"What is thy bidding, my Lord?"

"You chose a terribly inconvenient time to contact me," Sidious snapped. "I was just about to go swimming."

The Sith Lord swept his cloak aside; underneath it, he was wearing only a pair of tiny Speedos.

"I apologise, my Lord," Grievous murmured, trying to avoid looking at Sidious' skinny white legs.

Lord Sidious began to affix a pair of goggles to his head. "I suggest you get your ass to Mustafar. Take the Separatist leaders with you... you know how they pine when you leave them."

Grievous did not know this. In fact, he was under the impression that the Separatists all feared and despised him, especially since he had made them use low-fat milk instead of full cream.

"Er... I will go, my Lord. As soon as I have meditated with my Cyber-Dolphins."

"_Now_, Grievous," Lord Sidious growled. _His obsession with those stupid dolphins is getting out of hand_, he thought irritably. _I'll have to get them made into tuna as soon as possible._

"Thy will be done, my Lord," Grievous sighed. "But what of the loss of Count Dooku?"

"Who cares about him? He always used up all the coffee. Besides, soon I will have a new apprentice, one far younger, so he won't need caffeine to fulfil my orders."

Sidious began to laugh in a manner that would have had him thrown into an asylum if he had been around normal people. But, in present company, it was perfectly acceptable.

Grievous struggled not to feel resentful. If Lord Sidious acquired a new apprentice, then he wouldn't be the favourite anymore. And that meant he wouldn't get to sit in the front seat. But perhaps it would give him less work to do, and more time to relax with his Cyber-Dolphins.

This thought cheered Grievous up so much that he even joined in with his Master's maniacal laughter.

"Ah, my Lord, I do enjoy it when we laugh together!" said Grievous.

Lord Sidious stopped laughing.

On Coruscant, night had fallen. Millions of pinpricks of light glowed inside the multi-storey buildings and on the speeders as they flashed past. Padmé was standing on the balcony of her penthouse apartment, brushing her hair, while Anakin leaned against the doorway behind her.

"Annie, I want to have the baby back home on Naboo," Padme said suddenly.

"Whatever you want," Anakin replied indifferently. He was still trying his hardest to forget that Padme had ever told him of her pregnancy; so far, this had involved grunting and giving one-word replies to most of his wife's statements. However, since this was pretty much how he normally acted, Padmé had noticed nothing out of the ordinary.

"We can go to the Lake Country," Padmé continued dreamily. "We could have a nursery, with ducks painted on the walls, and-"

"Are there any bars nearby?"

Padmé turned towards her husband, frowning. "Um, I don't think so."

Anakin sighed heavily. "Well, I suppose I'll have to make some sacrifices... but only because you're hot."

Padmé smiled and giggled with delight. What a wonderful husband she had! He always knew exactly when she needed assurance of her beauty. After all, it was the only endearing quality she had.

"Thankyou," she laughed. "But it's only because I'm so in love."

"No, I'm so in love with you," Anakin replied, because he thought it would be funny.

"No, I am."

"No, I am."

"No, I-"

"Okay, let's just stop right there."

**Sorry about how short this chapter is... I guess that's just the way it turned out. I am also sorry for putting the image of Sidious in Speedos into your head. **

**I'm really interested to see what everyone's opinions are about Star Wars, so when you review this chapter, I'd love it if you'd tell me your favourite character/s. I have three favourites: Obi-Wan, Qui-Gon and Mace. Please review and tell me yours!**


	6. Anakin's Worst Nightmare

**Sixth chapter! How do you like it so far? Not the chapter, the story, since obviously not much has happened yet in this particular chapter. But anyway, this is the chapter where Anakin has his dream. I changed the dream a little, just to make it a bit more interesting. Hope you like it!**

**Disclaimer: Who's that guy with the grey hair and the beard? Oh yeah, George Lucas. He owns everything. **

Later that night, Anakin was tossing and turning in his sleep. He was having a terrible nightmare, one that disturbed him far more than any dream he had ever had. In the nightmare, Padmé had decided to elope with Obi-Wan, leaving Anakin alone with their newborn baby...

"_Sorry, Anakin, but I love Obi-Wan more than you. Also, he looks way better with a mullet than you do."_

"_What?" Anakin yelped. "But you told me you loved my hair! So you've been lying to me all these years?"_

"_Yeah, pretty much," Padmé replied breezily._

_Obi-Wan walked up behind Padmé and put his arm around her shoulder._

"_Don't worry, though, Anakin," Obi-Wan said reassuringly. "I hear Master Yoda's on the market again... you could always go out with him."_

"_NOOOOOOOO!"_

Anakin sat bolt upright in bed, panting. The nightmare had left him sweating and shaking. There was only one thing that would make him feel better right now: alcohol.

Five minutes later, Anakin was sitting on the couch in the living room, chugging his third bottle of "_Coruscant's Finest Lager: _Feel_ the quality!"_ Padmé was woken by the sound of the fridge slamming shut, and she emerged from their bedchamber, yawning.

"Drinking heavily so early in the morning?" she ssaid worriedly. "That's not like you... oh, who am I kidding, it really is."

Padmé suppressed a sigh. Since their marriage, Anakin had been drinking a lot of alcohol. In fact, his breakfast usually consisted of a glass of scotch, and he carried a hipflask full of whisky with him everywhere. Padmé hated his drinking problem, because often when he was "under the influence", he would tell her that she wasn't the brightest bulb in the box, but he loved her anyway.  
>"Don't interrupt me, baby!" Anakin said loudly, sloshing his beer down his front. "I had a bad dream."<p>

"About what?" Padmé asked, sighing. "Was it that one about the giant marshmallows again?"

"No, they've decided to leave me alone for a little while. I'll tell you what the dream was about... wait, who _are _you?"

"I'm your wife!" Padmé cried.

"Oh, thank God!" Anakin laughed with relief. "I wasn't sure whether you were an intruder or not. Phew!" He laughed again, pretending to wipe sweat off his forehead. "So, the dream. You were eloping with Obi-Wan."

Padmé laughed. "Is that it? I would never do that. I mean, Obi-Wan _is _very sexy, but his beard is really scratchy when you kiss him."

Anakin's eyes widened with shock over the lip of his beer bottle.

"Not that I know what it feels like to kiss him," Padmé said hurriedly. "I'm just making an assumption." _Don't worry_, she reassured herself, _you handled that really well_. "But seriously, what's wrong? Are you worried the Council will find out about the baby?"

"Nah, they probably wouldn't give a crap," Anakin slurred, waving his beer in the air. "Remember when they found out about my affair with that woman from the nightclub?"

"Anakin, that never happened."

Carefully avoiding his wife's gaze, Anakin muttered, "Never happened... right." To dissolve the awkwardness of the moment, he attempted to shove a drink into Padmé's hand. She pushed it away impatiently.

"Should we ask for Obi-Wan's help?" she suggested.

Anakin shook his head as he lurched towards the fridge to grab another beer. "I already asked Obi-Wan to help me with my drinking problem, but he said I was a-"

But Padmé never found out what Obi-Wan thought Anakin was, because at that moment, he keeled over at her feet as if he'd been hit over the head with a sledgehammer.

The next day, Anakin really did feel like he'd been hit in the head with a heavy, blunt object. He had hoped that drinking until he passed out would erase the memory of the dream from his brain, but it was still there. There was only one thing left to do: visit Jedi Master Yoda.

At first, Yoda was slightly displeased that Anakin had come to see him at five o'clock in the morning, but he reluctantly agreed to talk. The ancient Jedi Master was very short, with wrinkled green skin and long, sensitive ears. He had never really liked Anakin, because the young Jedi had stolen his crown as the Jedi with the most midichlorians ever. He also talked backwards, which made him the butt of many jokes in the Jedi Council room.

"A premonition you have had, hmm?" Master Yoda pondered. "Know you do that misleading, dreams can be."

"Yes, Master," Anakin said impatiently. "But this one seemed so real. I could actually _feel _the waves of smugness coming off Obi-Wan-"

"Feel Obi-Wan's smugness, everyone can," Yoda interrupted dismissively. "About who was this dream?"

Anakin hesitated, unwilling to reveal the particulars of his nightmare. "It was about Obi-Wan and... someone else."

"That hot Senator from Naboo, was it? Hmm..." Master Yoda was silent for a moment. Anakin wondered if he had fallen asleep. It wouldn't be the first time. However, he eventually raised his head and spoke.

"Dark and confusing, future is. Fixed nothing is."

The younger Jedi looked blankly at him. "What?"

Master Yoda sighed. "Speech therapist I need go."

**Incidentally, I am going to be studying Speech Pathology (same thing as speech therapy) at university next year. If Master Yoda was a real person, he would totally be my first patient. Anyway, when you review this chapter, I'd love you to tell me your least favourite character/s from Star Wars. You can probably guess mine: Anakin and Padmé, because they're both incredibly annoying, weak characters. Let's see how many people agree with me!**


	7. Mysterious Requests

**New chapter, yay! Before it starts though, I thought I'd just better remind everyone that I've already finished writing this story, which means that unfortunately I can't take on any requests or suggestions. So I can't take your request, Just-another-writer95. Sorry! **

**Disclaimer: George Lucas owns everything except my own inventions. I also don't own Gran Turismo, or the song "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun".**

While Anakin fretted about his nightmare, Obi-Wan was occupied with very important Jedi matters. Now that he was a member of the Jedi Council, he had many new responsibilities. Today, he was in charge of giving a report to a group of Jedi about the Separatists' sieges on several planets in the Outer Rim. The Council had been relieved to unload this tedious task on Obi-Wan, who delighted in presenting lengthy and boring speeches. Unsurprisingly, Anakin did not turn up to this report.

As the groups of Jedi slowly filtered out of the room, discussing the latest news in hushed voices, Anakin sauntered in.

"Where the hell have you been?" Obi-Wan asked, turning away from the hologram of a planetary system which he had been examining. "You missed my report on the sieges beyond the Outer Rim."

"Duh," Anakin snorted. "Why else do you think I was hiding in the bathroom for two hours?"

"Oh," Obi-Wan said feebly. "Well, you'll be pleased to know that our clones are kicking ass."

"Awesome! Do you want to go to the Outlander to celebrate?"

"Uh, I'm not sure that's such a good idea," Obi-Wan muttered uncomfortably. "Mace told me that if he ever catches me in there again, he'll confiscate my Britney Spears CDs." His wide blue eyes filled with tears. "I think he's just looking for an excuse to take them away from me!"

Anakin frowned at Obi-Wan. "And you call me gay."

"Oh, that reminds me," Obi-Wan said briskly, quickly snapping out of it. "The Chancellor has requested your presence in his "lair". Why does he make us call it that, anyway?"

"I don't know. It seems kind of... Sith Lord-ish."

Both Jedi frowned thoughtfully. Chancellor Palpatine had been acting very oddly lately. Especially in the way he kept asking Anakin, "So... what are the secrets of the Force?" Luckily, Anakin could never answer this question: he didn't know anything about the Force, except how to use it to peel fruit.

"Well, have fun," Obi-Wan continued. "And if the Chancellor asks you to race him on Gran Turismo 4, refuse." He shook his head gravely. "Poor Adi never recovered from that."

"I'll keep that in mind," Anakin called as he ran towards the door.

A quarter of an hour later, Anakin was standing on plush red carpet, watching the Chancellor pace up and down his office. The room was filled with priceless sculptures, and the wall behind the Chancellor's desk was made entirely of glass, giving an unparalleled view of the cityscape.

With a sigh, Chancellor Palpatine stopped walking and turned towards Anakin. "I need your help, son," he said quietly.

Anakin jumped and yelped, "Son? Oh my God, are you my-"

"No!" Palpatine snapped. "You have to get over this weird father fixation! Besides, everyone knows that you were conceived by midichlorians."

"I know, I know. So what did you want to see me about, Your Awesomeness?"

Chancellor Palpatine sighed irritably and closed his eyes for a moment. Anakin still had a lot to learn. "It's "Your Excellency". And the reason I asked you to come here is because I have a proposition for you. I want you to be my personal representative on the Jedi Council. I know that you dream of being elected onto the Council; I can give you that chance!"

"Awesome, Your Awesomeness!" Anakin exclaimed, grinning. "I'd love to!"

"Good. Now, while you're in this position, I want you to... you know, spy on them a little."

Anakin nodded slowly, lost in thought. "Well, if you want me to spy on the Council, couldn't I just dress up as a windowcleaner and spy on them while I clean the window?"

Palpatine stared at Anakin for a moment. _Perhaps I should have chosen someone else to fulfil my orders; someone who isn't as dumb as a beetle_, he thought wearily.

"No, I like my idea better," Palpatine said firmly.

"Okay then," Anakin agreed. "Hey... I could call myself Skystalker!"

"No."

As soon as Chancellor Palpatine dismissed him, Anakin raced straight back to the Temple, and requested an audience with the Jedi Council. They granted him permission to come before them and announce his news. When he concluded, the members of the Council exchanged grave looks.

Master Yoda was first to break the silence. "Accept the Chancellor's proposal, the Council does not. Disturbing is this move."

Ki-Adi Mundi nodded in agreement. "Yeah, and I was a little disturbed when I walked in on the Chancellor dancing around his office, singing 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun'".

"Hey, you promised you would never mention that again!" Mace said angrily, pointing a threatening finger at his colleague.

"I'm sorry, Master," Ki-Adi cried, eyes wide with horror. "But I can't forget what I saw!"

Mace ignored him, and turned back to Anakin. "Anyway, Skywalker; we will appoint you to the Council, but we do not grant you the rank of Master. And you can't use our private bathroom."

"What?" Anakin blustered, turning red with anger. "How can you do this? It's not fair!"

"_Take a seat_, Skywalker," Mace snapped, gesturing towards an empty chair beside Obi-Wan.

Anakin folded his arms and sat cross-legged in the centre of the room, pouting. The Jedi Masters frowned disapprovingly.

"Let us return to the matter we were discussing before we were so rudely interrupted," Mace continued. "We have searched every star system in the Republic, and we have not found General Grievous."

Obi-Wan stroked his beard thoughtfully. "He must be hiding somewhere beyond the Outer Rim."

"Go, I will, to the Kashyyyk system to recruit the Wookiees," Master Yoda announced. "Useful in the battle against the Separatist armies, they will be. Sexy, they are."

There was an astonished silence as everyone in the room stared at Yoda.

"Look, I know you have a fur fetish," Mace sighed, "But this is getting ridiculous. Seek psychiatric help, Master."

**Yeah, I know the Skystalker thing is incredibly cheesy. I can't believe I didn't think of it earlier! I usually think of cheesy jokes straight away. Oh, and I may have exaggerated Anakin's little Jedi Council room tantrum slightly. He acts like such a douche in that scene. Anyway, please please review!**


	8. Double Agent

**Chapter eight! There's going to be a lot of chapters in this story... nineteen in fact, including the epilogue. So hopefully you're enjoying the story enough to keep reading! **

**Yoda's speech problems are going to be a recurring joke, I'm afraid. I mean, when you think about it, someone who had never watched Star Wars before would have heaps of trouble understanding him.**

**Just thought I'd tell everyone that I just published a Twilight parody. So if anyone is interested in reading it, just go onto my profile and check it out. If you haven't read Twilight though, you probably shouldn't read it because there are a lot of inside jokes.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything etc. I'm getting really sick of writing these things. **

Once the Jedi Council session had concluded, Anakin and Obi-Wan left the room and stepped into the turbolift that would take them back to the ground floor. As the lift descended, the young Jedi began a long rant about the Council's decision, while Obi-Wan tuned his brain out like a radio and thought about what he would have for dinner.

"I can't believe I'm not allowed to use their private bathroom!" Anakin complained as the two Jedi left the turbolift and began to walk along the halls of the Temple. "It's so unfair!"

Obi-Wan emerged from his steak-related thoughts to reply, "Calm down, Anakin. It's not that great. It's just a few toilets and a shower."

"It's much more than that!" Anakin cried, scandalised.

"Oh, don't be so melodramatic," Obi-Wan snapped. He stopped walking suddenly and leaned against a pillar, gathering himself to say something important.

"Look, the Council wants you to spy on Chancellor Palpatine."

Anakin turned to face Obi-Wan, brow furrowed. "How am I supposed to do that? Do I have to watch through his bedroom window while he gets dressed, or something?"

"Ew, no!" Obi-Wan wrinkled his nose in disgust. "Thanks a lot; I'll never get that image out of my head now."

Anakin squirmed uncomfortably. "I can't spy on the Chancellor. It would be too weird."

"The Council says that if you do this job for us, you can steal as many of the Chancellor's belongings as you like, and they won't say a word." Obi-Wan smirked, watching his friend's eyes light up with interest.

"Hmm..." Anakin was silent for a few moments as he weighed up the pros and cons of accepting this task. "Deal!"

Obi-Wan grinned. "Great! Oh, and while you're there, could you steal that big red vase for me? I've had my eye on it for a while."

Anakin nodded eagerly. "Sure!"

The two men shook hands, sealing the deal.

The next day, Master Yoda, Mace Windu and Obi-Wan boarded a Republic gunship and travelled to a clone army assembly area. As their ship swerved in and out of the lines of traffic, Obi-Wan brought up the subject of Anakin's new mission.

"Anakin isn't very happy about spying on the Chancellor," he remarked.

As usual, Mace was unsympathetic. "Too bad. I'm not doing it."

"Am neither I," Yoda agreed.

Mace frowned, confused. "Uh, what?"

Obi-Wan leaned in to whisper in Mace's ear. "I think he said his knee is on fire."

Both Jedi exchanged bewildered looks. "No, that can't be right," Mace muttered.

"Whisper about me, do not!" Yoda said angrily. "Disabled am I!"

His companions repeated the phrases in their heads, hoping they would make more sense, but to no avail.

Obi-Wan shook his head. "We really need to get an interpreter."

At the same time that his friends were visiting the assembly area, Anakin was sitting on the couch in Padmé's apartment, with his wife beside him.

"I think this war is destroying the Republic's principles," Anakin commented suddenly, breaking the silence.

Padmé nodded thoughtfully. This kind of conversation between them was not uncommon. First, one of them would make a statement; then, the other would say exactly the same thing, but in more complicated and confusing terms. Keeping this in mind, she launched into a monologue.

"What if the democracy we've been fighting for is actually fighting for the evil we are fighting against? Wouldn't that mean we were really fighting for evil, not the good the clones are fighting for?"

Her husband stared at her with his mouth hanging open slightly. "Um... sure, if you say so."

Padmé settled back into her seat, satisfied. "You know the Chancellor quite well; why don't you ask him to stop the war?"

Anakin could not think of an appropriate answer to this question. Why _was _the Chancellor so keen on the war? He had a funny feeling Obi-Wan had talked to him about this, but as usual, he had not been listening.

"Uh," Anakin muttered, "He's kind of busy right now."

"Doing what?" Padmé demanded.

There was a short silence as Anakin struggled to think of an answer.

"Vacuuming," he said eventually.

"Oh. Right."

Anakin stood in a smooth motion and walked towards the window. As he stared out at the sprawling city below, he considered the day's events. Was it wrong to be acting as a spy for both Chancellor Palpatine and the Jedi Council? Anakin wasn't sure; he had never had a strong grip on morals.

"What's wrong?" Anakin turned around as his wife's voice broke the silence. "Are you thinking about stuff again? I told you not to do that."

Anakin sighed. "No. I'm fine."

"Good," Padmé said briskly. "Because I'm having a serious craving for lobster."

**I like the idea of the Council having a private bathroom, like the Prefects' bathroom in Harry Potter. Of course they'd be crazy to let Anakin in there, with all those magic taps around. He'd totally flood the bathroom.**

**Reviews please! :)**


	9. Discoveries

**In this chapter is one of my favourite scenes in Revenge of the Sith: where Chancellor Palpatine tells Anakin the story of Darth Plagueis. He is hilariously unsubtle... the little hints he gives Anakin are so funny.**

**Disclaimer: If I was George Lucas, Anakin would not have been a whiny idiot, and Qui-Gon and Mace would never have died. But I'm not. I don't own **_**Baywatch **_**either, fortunately.**

**Wait until you read the first sentence of this chapter. It's probably the only serious sentence in this entire story, and I'm quite proud of it actually.**

The Senate was the centre of democratic government in the Republic, where representatives from hundreds of different planetary systems gathered to debate political issues. **(Right? There you go.) **After a session finished, the Senators often split up into small groups and discussed current events. As the last dregs of people gradually exited the Senate, Anakin raced up the stairs, dodging Senators and their assistants. Chancellor Palpatine had asked Anakin to meet him at his private pod.

When Anakin entered the private pod, he immediately spotted Palpatine sitting in the front row of seats, accompanied by his entourage. In the centre of the Senate, a glimmering pink bubble hovered. Inside it, the Mon Calamari were performing a mating display. Tearing his eyes away from the pink bubble, Anakin knelt down beside Palpatine.

"Ah, hello, Anakin," the Chancellor said pleasantly. "I have good news. General Grievous is hiding in the Utapau system."

"Great! I'll take care of him."

Anakin stood and took a step forward, towards the exit, but before he could leave, Palpatine seized the back of his tunic.

"Not now, Anakin," he said impatiently. "Sit down."

The Chancellor turned towards his companions and hissed, "Leave us." They got up and left quickly, looking mildly affronted. Anakin sat down in the vacated seat beside Palpatine.

"I wanted to tell you a story," Palpatine said softly. He gazed at the shimmering display in the centre of the arena, pale light flickering across his face. "It's about a Sith Lord called Darth Plagueis."

"A story? Cool!" Anakin leaned forward eagerly. "Does it have a speeder chase in it? If it doesn't, I'm not really interested."

"No, it doesn't," Palpatine sighed. "But you'll like it, I promise. Anyway, Darth Plagueis had such an extensive knowledge of the Dark Side of the Force that he could even stop people he loved from eloping with Jedi. Especially the ones whose names start with 'O'".

He turned his head and gave Anakin a meaningful look, raising his eyebrows. Obviously, he had never tried to give anyone a "subtle hint" before. Luckily Anakin, possessing far fewer brain cells than the average sentient, did not notice.

"Wow..." he murmured. "So what happened to this Darth Vegas?"

"Plagueis."

"Yeah, that."

"He was strangled in his sleep by his apprentice, whose name was _not _Palpatine. Did you hear that Anakin? _Not _Palpatine."

Anakin stared wide-eyed at the Chancellor. "Okay, okay. What _was _his name, then?"

Palpatine looked blankly back at his young companion. Frankly, he had not considered the fact that Anakin might want some more specific information. _Okay, think of a name at random_, he urged himself silently. _Just a name, any name..._

"Er... Yoda," Palpatine stammered. _Dammit! You could have picked any name in the Galaxy, and you chose that one!_

Anakin looked shrewdly at him. "I'm getting a feeling... that you're lying to me."

"No, you're not actually feeling that," Palpatine said quickly. "I think it's because you're sitting on the Toydarian Senator."

By this point in time, Master Yoda had arrived on Kashyyyk, where he was attempting to recruit the Wookiees. As he sat in front of a hologram transmitter, holding an urgent meeting with the Jedi Council, battalions of clones prepared for battle below him.

"So, General Grievous is hiding on Utapau?" Ki-Adi remarked.

Mace growled in frustration. "_Yes_! How many times have we discussed this?"

So far, the meeting had consisted of various people stating that General Grievous was on Utapau, then everyone else nodding in agreement. No-one had actually suggested any course of action.

Finally, Anakin spoke up. "The Chancellor requests that I be the one to capture Grievous."

Relieved, Mace latched onto this idea. He felt almost grateful to the young Jedi for finally saying something useful. However, there was no way he was going to send an idiot on such an important mission as this.

"No. Frankly, none of us really like you, so we're not going to send you on this mission. Obi-Wan will go."

"_Fine_," snapped Anakin. "Bastard," he muttered under his breath.

"I heard that!" Mace growled.

"Up shut!" Yoda interrupted angrily.

"Did you just call me uptight?" Mace snarled.

Yoda could see that the meeting was only going to deteriorate after this. He smacked his forehead with one of his tiny clawed hands. "Council adjourned."

The hologram of the Jedi Council room disappeared, and Yoda hopped down from his chair. He stumped over to the other side of the platform, where a clone commander approached and knelt down beside him.

"Sir, the droids have started up their main power generators."

"Then now, the time is," Yoda replied into the clone's ear.

Down on the shore below, the Wookiee battle commander stepped up in front of his troops and shook his chest suggestively at the Separatist armies. His troops imitated him, and they ran down the beach while the _Baywatch _theme song played inexplicably. The droid transports began to advance quickly across the water. Clones fired at them from platforms hanging above the lake, while Wookiees swung down onto the Separatist transports, yelling Tarzan calls. They interfered with the ships by seducing the controls, and the computers exploded with ecstasy.

**By the way, I'm having some trouble with my email at the moment, which means that replying to reviews has been really difficult. So, if I'm not replying to your reviews, I'm not being rude, I swear! But I absolutely love getting feedback, so if you're reading this, PLEASE review, and I'll do my best to send you a reply. **

**I hope you're all enjoying the story! :)**


	10. Journey To Utapau

**We're officially halfway through the story! Yay! Thankyou for sticking with it so far; I promise it's not going to suddenly start going downhill from here. **

**I just wanted to give a big thankyou to Tipear, who is going to translate this story into German for a German fanfiction site. How awesome is that? Good luck with your translating, Tipear! :) **

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters, plotlines or settings from Star Wars. I also don't own **_**Desperate Housewives**_**. I seem to make references to that show quite a lot in my stories.**

The day had arrived for Obi-Wan to leave for Utapau. After being briefed one final time by the Council, he walked down to the landing platform, where his ship was waiting. Unbeknownst to him, Anakin was following him at a safe distance, hiding behind pillars and creeping forwards when the time was right. The young Jedi was refusing to give up the chance to confront General Grievous himself; so, he planned to stow away on Obi-Wan's ship. As Obi-Wan stepped onto the landing platform, Anakin broke his cover and ran in his direction. Unfortunately, Obi-Wan turned around at the sound of Anakin's footsteps. He smiled, waved, and walked back towards his friend.

_Dammit! I nearly had that_, Anakin thought, frustrated. He decided to resort to Plan B: excessive praise.

"Hi, Anakin," Obi-Wan called.

"Hello, Master," Anakin replied. He initiated his puppydog eyes. "I should be going with you."

Obi-Wan was completely unmoved. "Ha! Nice try. This is my mission."

"Hey, I'm sorry I haven't been very appreciative of your teachings," Anakin said slyly.

"Huh?" Obi-Wan frowned. "Is this a tactic to get on my good side?"

"No! Of _course _not!" Anakin waited for a few moments, then launched into a full-scale attack. "Have I ever told you what an honour it is to be taught by you? You are very wise and powerful."

"Damn straight I am!" Obi-Wan said fervently.

"I should listen to you more," Anakin added.

"Yeah, you should," Obi-Wan agreed. "Well, I'm glad we had this little talk, Anakin. May the Force be with you."

Obi-Wan turned and walked up the landing ramp into his transport. Anakin raced after him, but the door slid shut in his face.

"Aw, _man_!"

Several hours later, Obi-Wan's transport (without Anakin on board) was in orbit of Utapau. Inside the ship was an army of clones, ready to begin an assault on the Separatist droid armies. While the clones prepared for battle, Obi-Wan and Commander Cody Mark Two were examining a hologram of the planet.

"Grievous is hiding in this city, here," Cody told Obi-Wan, pointing to a flashing red dot on the hologram.

"Okay, thanks. I'll meet you down on the planet. After I take care of Grievous, you guys can finish off the droid armies."

"Yes, sir. Here is your ship." Cody indicated a Jedi starfighter which was parked nearby. "Oh, and I'm sorry about that scratch just there," he added, pointing to a long scrape on the side of the fighter.

Obi-Wan sighed, shaking his head. "If you were a more cautious pilot, you would never have died during that battle a few weeks ago."

Cody spluttered with outrage. "Master Kenobi, that wasn't me! That was a completely different person!"

"Oh." Obi-Wan looked thoughtfully at Cody. "Well, that explains a lot."

With that, the Jedi strode over to his ship and jumped in, leaving a very confused clone behind him.

Despite his initial disappointment at missing out on the Utapau mission, Anakin soon got over it. There was a 40% off sale at Coruscant's biggest hardware store, and he wanted to be first in line. To kill some time before the store opened, he went to visit Padmé. Anakin was feeling uncharacteristically pensive, and he wanted someone to share his thoughts with. Padmé was the ideal candidate for this, since she never had any thoughts of her own.

"I feel lost," Anakin remarked, as he watched his wife prepare for the afternoon session in the Senate.

"What do you mean?" Padmé asked. "Do you want me to find you?"

Anakin frowned at Padmé, wondering just how many of her brain cells were still active. "Uh, no. Obi-Wan and the Council don't trust me."

"Maybe it's because you always borrow their pens and then don't give them back,' Padmé suggested.

"Something tells me that isn't it. I want more."

"More pens?"

"No!" Anakin snapped. "I want more than I have as a Jedi."

Padmé looked shocked, as if she couldn't imagine what else Anakin could possibly want. "Why would you want more?" she laughed. "You have me."

Anakin was silent for a moment, staring out the window in the direction of the Senate. "I've found a way to save you from my nightmare. You know, the one where you eloped with Obi-Wan."

Padmé sighed wearily. "Not the dream again. I seriously doubt it is going to come true."

Anakin's face darkened with anger. "I wouldn't put it past Obi-Wan."

When Obi-Wan touched down on a landing platform in the capital city of Utapau, he immediately noticed that the city was made up of many different levels. _That will make it a lot more difficult to find Grievous_, he thought gloomily. _I probably won't be home in time to watch Desperate Housewives, then._

Obi-Wan jumped out of his ship and walked to the other side of the platform, where the leader of the planet and his advisors were waiting for him. The natives of Utapau were very tall and thin, with pale, ridged faces and pointed teeth.

"Greetings, great Jedi," the alien said, bowing. "My name is Tion Medon."

"Now that's how people should greet me," Obi-Wan grinned. "I like you already. So, how's the war going?"

"There is no war here. Unless you brought it with you," Tion replied.

"No, but I did bring these excellent onion sandwiches." Obi-Wan reached into his pocket and pulled out his lunch, wrapped in tin foil.

Tion glared at him, insulted. "I'm allergic to onion."

"Oh... well, never mind then. I'm looking for General Grievous."

Leaning forward so that his face was only centimetres from Obi-Wan's, Tion dropped his voice to a whisper. "He's here. We are being held hostage."

"Don't worry," Obi-Wan replied, smiling in a way that was supposed to be soothing, but was actually kind of creepy. "I'll take care of him for you."

"Thank you," Tion muttered, backing away so that he was out of the range of Obi-Wan's fists. "Enjoy your stay on Utapau. Make sure you visit our national library, and-"

Obi-Wan raised his eyebrows. "If I have any spare time in between fighting a maniacal cyborg, I'll make sure I do that."

They bowed to each other, and Obi-Wan returned to his ship. He stood and watched grimly as his astromech droid, R4, piloted the ship up and away from the capital city, leaving him behind to face the murderous General Grievous.

**Next chapter: Obi-Wan gets a new pet! And guess what his name is?**

**Please review and tell me how you like the story so far.**


	11. Alcoholics Anonymous

**You know how Anakin has a drinking problem in this story? Well, a lot of other people do as well! Yay! Sorry if this chapter is a little short, that's just how it turned out.**

**Disclaimer: I don't sfjwifbnwreob. Sorry, I fell asleep. If Alcoholics Anonymous is a trademark name, I don't own that either.**

After his ship had disappeared, Obi-Wan sneaked back into the city and meandered through the corridors until he found a citizen who could lend him some transport.

"Sorry, all our mechanical transports are being used today," the Utapauian told Obi-Wan. "All we have is this lizard."

He pointed towards a bright green lizard the size of an elephant, which had been equipped with a leather saddle and reins.

"His name is Boga," the man added, patting the lizard's neck.

"No, it isn't," Obi-Wan said briskly as he swung himself into the saddle. "His name is Qui-Gon the Second now."

The lizard turned out to be a very efficient mode of transport; Obi-Wan was able to travel very swiftly along the ramps and platforms of the city. As the lizard bounded along a high platform, Obi-Wan looked down and finally saw what he had been searching for. The Separatist leaders were seated in a circle of chairs in the hangar below, and General Grievous was stalking back and forth in the centre of the circle.

Obi-Wan jumped down from his mount and crept closer to the edge of the platform, straining his ears to hear Grievous' voice.

"Hello and welcome to our Alcoholics Anonymous meeting," Grievous said. "Today you may share anything you want with us, and we'll try to help you out. I'll begin. Hello, my name is Grievous, and I am an alcoholic."

Frowning, Obi-Wan stuck his finger in his ear and wiggled it around a bit, wondering if he had heard correctly.

"Hello, Grievous," chorused the group, like a class of schoolchildren.

"Since I was seven," the evil cyborg continued. "I've been raiding Lord Sidious' liquor cabinet. I have a particular weakness for vodka."

"Dear God!" gasped Obi-Wan.

"Nute, would you like to continue?" Grievous asked, turning to the Trade Federation Viceroy, who was nervously fiddling with his collar.

"Okay," Nute muttered. "Well, I've been drinking for a long-time, to relieve my anxiety and pent-up anger. I..." The Neimoidian suddenly burst into tears. "I just can't live with myself anymore!"

Rune Haako put an arm around his sobbing friend's shoulders and murmured, "It's okay," over and over.

"Thankyou Nute," Grievous interrupted, speaking loudly so that he could be heard over Nute's sobs. "Who would like to go next?" He looked inquiringly around at his companions.

"I would," called a droid from the far end of the table. The droid stood and cleared his throat. "I've been trying to deny it for a while now, but it's time I confessed. I just drink far too much oil."

The other members of the meeting threw confused glances at each other; there was something not quite right about that guy.

Grievous, however, noticed nothing out of the ordinary at first. "Okay, that's great, that's what we're here for... hey, wait a minute! You're a droid! Get out!"

"Dammit," the droid sighed. Grievous ushered the disappointed droid to the door. Several of the Separatists took the opportunity to take swigs from bottles concealed in their cloaks.

Obi-Wan shook his head in disgust. "Alright, this has gone far enough!" He unhooked his lightsaber from his belt and removed his cloak. "Stay here, Qui-Gon the Second," Obi-Wan ordered, patting the lizard's neck; then, he leaped from the platform into the hangar below.

Grievous spun around as Obi-Wan landed on the durasteel floor. His eyes narrowed angrily, but he attempted to fix on a pleasant smile.

"So, Grievous, you're an alcoholic!" Obi-Wan called contemptuously. "I heard everything!"

"Yes, I am an alcoholic," Grievous conceded. "Would you like to join our little support group?"

"Ha! I seriously doubt that a psycho like you could help me to deal with my alcohol addiction."

Grievous' pleasant demeanour slipped. "Hey, shut up! Well, now that you know my terrible secret, I am going to have to kill you. And just so you know, I don't really want to. I'm quite a nice guy actually, if you took the time to get to know me-"

There was an ominous cracking noise from above; Grievous paused and looked up, just in time to see a large brick falling towards him. The brick slammed into his head, knocking him unconscious. The worker who was responsible for this accident looked down guiltily. _No chance of that promotion now, then_, he thought sadly, as he went to collect his belongings.

Obi-Wan poked Grievous a few times with his foot, just to make certain that he was completely unconscious. Once he was sure, he rifled through the cyborg's pockets, pulling out anything valuable: his lightsabers, his wallet, and a large bottle of vodka.

Just as Obi-Wan was laughing at Grievous' driver's license photo, the cyborg began to come around. Obi-Wan quickly hid the license behind his back.

"Woah," Grievous moaned, sitting up and rubbing his aching head. "What happened?"

"You had a brick dropped on your head," Obi-Wan informed him.

"I'm sorry, who are you?" asked Grievous, squinting up at the Jedi. "Wait... who am _I_?"

Obi-Wan stared incredulously at his enemy. "I'm Obi-Wan. And you're General Grievous; you know, as in grievous bodily harm."

"That doesn't sound very nice," Grievous remarked. "If I was like that before I had that brick dropped on my head, maybe I don't want my memory back. I think I'll go back to my home planet and become a kindergarten teacher... what is my home planet?"

"Kalee," Obi-Wan told him. "So, you want to be a kindergarten teacher? Well, your fellow Sith Lords will be pleased." Obi-Wan chuckled, shaking his head.

"What's a Sith Lord?"

"Oh, no-one important," Obi-Wan said calmly.

Grievous lurched unsteadily to his feet. "Well, I'd better get going, then. Bye, Oliver!"

"It's Obi-Wan!"

General Grievous waved cheerfully and continued walking towards his ship.

_This day just keeps getting better and better_, Obi-Wan thought, grinning. _I have a new pet lizard called Qui-Gon the Second, and I just got rid of General Grievous without doing anything! Now all I need is a really great story about how I killed him..._

He walked back to his reptilian transport, already planning an elaborate tale involving lasers, dramatic opera music and a spectacular speeder chase. Grievous was not so fortunate; five minutes after he and Obi-Wan parted ways, he was arrested for driving without a license.

**Aww, poor Grievous. Sucks to be him. At least flames didn't shoot out of his eyes, though. **

**Question for this chapter: Which Jedi would you choose to be your Master if you were taken to the Temple? I would choose Mace, because I think he's awesome; also, I would get to carry a purple lightsaber, and use Vaapad. What do you guys think?**


	12. A Nasty Shock

**I am pleased with this chapter, because I got to use the phrase "dumb as a beetle" again. My Dad said it a few weeks ago, and I thought it described Anakin perfectly, so I spent ages trying to find a place to slot it in. Then I went back and re-read my story, and realised I'd used it twice. Ah well. It's still funny.**

**Also, the spelling of Darth Plagueis really annoys me. Just thought I'd let you know.**

**Disclaimer: George Lucas still owns everything here, except my own dismal creations. **

Far away from Utapau, Anakin and Mace were just receiving the news of Grievous' capture. They stood opposite each other at a table in the Jedi Temple war room, accompanied by hologram projections of several Jedi and Commander Cody.

"Our troops are dealing with the Separatist armies," Cody reported. "And I saw Grievous being cuffed, so Obi-Wan must have finished with him."

Mace couldn't help but feel slightly sceptical. Obi-Wan very rarely finished missions; usually he would stay in a luxury hotel for a few weeks, and then return to the Temple when he got bored. Later on, the Jedi Council would find out that he had not actually done anything at all, apart from blow all the Jedi's credits playing poker. Subsequently, Mace had every reason to doubt Obi-Wan's success.

However, he nodded in agreement anyway. "Good. Anakin, go and inform Chancellor Palpatine of these events."

"Yes, Master." Anakin obligingly left the room, leaving the Jedi alone to discuss their fears.

"I sense a disturbance in the Force around the Chancellor," Ki-Adi remarked, frowning worriedly.

Mace waved a hand irritably, trying to pass off this comment. "Are you sure it's not just puberty again?"

"Master, he's at least seventy years old!" Ki-Adi cried angrily. "You have to stop using that excuse for everyone! Especially Master Yoda, because he's starting to get on in years if you know what I mean."

"Hey!" Yoda snapped. "Have speech difficulties I may, but deaf I am not!"

Everyone ignored the diminutive Jedi Master, as usual. Yoda fumed silently. _In my day, caned they would have been_, he thought.Unfortunately, his day was long gone, and so he had to content himself with whacking his fellow Council members repeatedly with his gimer stick.

"Fine," Mace conceded reluctantly, ignoring Yoda's insistent jabbing. "If Chancellor Palpatine is still acting strangely after he finds out Grievous is gone, I'll remove him from office. But right now, I have something to say as well. I sense a plot to destroy the Jedi."

"Oh, please," Ki-Adi snorted. "You say that at least twice a week, just because you can."

"So what?" Mace snapped, glaring at Ki-Adi. "I like to keep things interesting."

When Anakin walked in, Chancellor Palpatine was busy watching a yoga DVD and performing the "sun worship posture". Unfortunately, Anakin did not know this. Upon observing the Chancellor's bottom sticking up in the air, he assumed the worst.

"Oh, uh... if this isn't a good time, I could come back later," Anakin stammered, backing quickly towards the door.

Chancellor Palpatine looked through his legs at the young Jedi. "No, come in. I was just doing my yoga."

Anakin gave a relieved sigh as Palpatine stood up and switched off the TV.

"Chancellor, Obi-Wan has managed to put Grievous behind bars."

Palpatine was taken by surprise for a moment, but he regained his control quickly.

"Oh, good," he said, smiling stiffly. "That's him out of the way." He paused for a moment, preparing himself; it was finally time to put his plan into action.

"Why aren't you on Utapau with Obi-Wan?" Chancellor Palpatine asked casually.

"I don't know; the Council wouldn't let me go," Anakin shrugged. "Something about an 'incompetent scumbag'".

"Do you ever get the feeling the Council don't trust you?"

"Hell yes!" Anakin exclaimed. It was strange, the way Chancellor Palpatine seemed to be able to read his mind. "I'm not even allowed to use their private bathroom!"

"And you weren't granted the rank of Master," Palpatine pointed out.

"Oh yeah, that too."

"And they always deliberately spill their coffee on your chair, and then say, 'Gee, sorry, I guess you'll have to sit on the floor again,'" the Chancellor added, starting to enjoy himself.

Anakin nodded furiously, positively frothing with anger. "I hate it when they do that! It makes me feel so excluded! And all my robes have coffee stains on them now."

"Yes, and I'm sure there are things about the Force that they're not telling you... I could teach you those things. My mentor taught me the ways of the Force, even the nature of the Dark Side."

"You know about the Force?" Anakin asked, shocked. "How is that possible?"

"I just told you, idiot!" Palpatine snapped. "God, no wonder everyone talks about you all the time even when you're in the room, you never listen! Anyway, shut up and let me talk. I can help you to stop your wife from eloping with Obi-Wan... to do this, you must use the Dark Side."

Anakin looked blankly at Palpatine. "Why do you keep going on about the Dark Side? Is this a joke? If it is, it isn't very funny."

The Chancellor groaned and shook his head. "God, you really are as dumb as a beetle, aren't you? I'm just going to spell it out for you: I am the Sith Lord who trained Darth Maul and Count Dooku."

Anakin drew his lightsaber and ignited it. The blue blade gleamed in the dim light of the Chancellor's office.

"Yes," Palpatine murmured. His lips curled into a smile. "I was under the impression that the story about my murder of Darth Plagueis would have given you a hint, but I should have known better."

"Well, this explains a lot," Anakin admitted. "The wild mood swings, calling this office your "lair", that red lightsaber I found in your desk drawer that you told me was a letter opener... it all makes sense now!"

"Are you going to kill me, Anakin?" Palpatine asked softly. He thought he already knew the answer.

Anakin paced up and down the room, thinking hard. He knew it was his duty to destroy the Sith... but nothing ruined your day more than a violent murder. Also, he hated cleaning up afterwards.

"I should," Anakin muttered. "But if you let me have that statue of the naked woman over there, I'll let you live."

Chancellor Palpatine was slightly disappointed, but he knew that he didn't really have much choice.

"Deal!" he agreed. He spit on his hand and then held it out for Anakin to shake; Count Dooku had informed him that this was what young people did to seal a deal. Anakin stared at him for a few seconds, and then turned away.

Palpatine internally cursed Count Dooku. _That idiot really needs to get his facts right... oh wait, he's dead. Oh well._

Anakin scooped up the statue and walked to the door, muttering, "This will look great on our balcony."

**Next chapter, things are going to become completely ridiculous, so don't bring your brain. Seriously.**


	13. Guitar Of Destiny

**Yes, the title is ominous. This is where any last shreds of normality are removed from the story. If you prefer to read mature, sensible stories, you may want to close this window now. Actually, if you like mature writing, why are you even reading this story?**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Star Wars. Nor do I own the rights to Guitar Hero, Wii consoles, or any of the songs I have referenced in this chapter. I do not own Austin Powers, Harry Potter, or Doctor Who either.**

Anakin raced straight to the Temple hangar to find Master Windu, after he had dropped the statue off at Padmé's apartment, and bought a milkshake. When he walked into the hangar, he immediately spied Mace's tall, muscular figure striding towards a Republic gunship.

"Master Windu, wait!" Anakin called, running across the hangar. "I need to talk to you."

Mace stopped in his tracks and turned. "Ah, Skywalker. I need to talk to you too. I'm going to the Outlander nightclub tonight with Kit Fisto and those two other guys no-one cares about enough to actually know their names. Do you want to come?"

"What?" Anakin asked, looking astonished. He'd never been invited out to drinks by any Jedi Master except Obi-Wan, especially not by Mace, whose drinking games were legendary.

"Not right now," Anakin said impatiently.

"That's probably just as well," Mace agreed. "Obi-Wan told me that you sometimes wear earrings, and I don't want you to harsh my cool."

"Master Windu, Chancellor Palpatine is a Sith Lord," Anakin said grimly.

Mace's mouth fell open. "A Sith Lord? Skywalker, have you been drinking oven cleaner again? I specifically told Obi-Wan to lock that cabinet!" The last time this had happened, Anakin had told Mace an elaborate tale about events transpiring between Obi-Wan and a giant pair of scissors, which he had supposedly witnessed. However, Mace had to admit that the insanity of this new proclamation far outstripped that of the first.

"No, it's true, I swear!" Anakin cried. "The Chancellor told me so himself. He knows the ways of the Force; he knows everything about us!"

"Really?" Mace asked dubiously. "Does he know that you've been banging the Senator from Naboo for about five years?"

Anakin's eyes widened with shock. "How do you know about that?"

"It's all over the HoloNet, you idiot."

"Oh." Anakin shrugged and slurped his milkshake loudly for a few minutes, until Mace looked disapprovingly at him. "So, are you going to arrest him?" he asked.

The older Jedi frowned and confiscated Anakin's milkshake. "Why didn't you just do that yourself?" he asked bluntly, taking a sip of the drink.

Anakin shuffled his feet uncomfortably. "Well... I'll tell you that later."

Mace glared suspiciously at him. "How can I trust you? You're friends with the Chancellor; you could be in league with him."

"I'm not!" Anakin protested. "I don't like him that much anymore. Since he told me my mother was a space slug I've been reconsidering our friendship."

Mace nodded grudgingly. "If this is true, then you have gained my trust."

"But it isn't true! My mum wasn't a space slug! Ask Padmé, she'll tell you!"

"No, I mean if the Chancellor is really a Sith Lord," Mace sighed. "Look, I have to go. I'll take the Chancellor into custody."

Without another word, Mace walked away towards his transport, throwing the milkshake into a bin as he went. He joined his fellow Jedi- Kit, Agen Kolar and Saesee Tiin- in the gunship and they soared out of the hangar. Anakin stood and watched until the ship was out of sight.

When Mace and the three other Jedi walked in, Chancellor Palpatine was standing in front of his TV, frantically pressing buttons on a controller in the shape of a guitar. He looked away from the screen as the Jedi approached.

"Oh, hello," he greeted them pleasantly, pausing the game. "May I help you?"

"You are under arrest, Chancellor Palpatine," Mace snarled. "Put your hands above your head."

Palpatine smiled slightly. The Jedi had played right into his hands. "I'm afraid you're going to have to take me by force."

"Let's fight for it, then," Mace agreed. His lightsaber leaped into his hand.

"Oh, no," Palpatine laughed. "Not with lightsabers. I challenge you to a Guitar Hero duel."

Mace glanced behind him at his comrades. How hard could it be?

"We accept," he said, hooking his lightsaber back onto his belt.

Each Jedi picked up a controller, and the game began. Saesee and Agen went down quickly with a duet of "Eye Of The Tiger"; no-one had expected them to last very long. Kit managed to last a little longer with a stirring rendition of "We Are The Champions", but he was eventually dispatched. It was all up to Mace now. He gritted his teeth and delivered a very impressive version of "Sweet Child O' Mine". Palpatine fell to the ground, overcome; his controller clattered to the floor beside him. At this point, the doors slid open and Anakin raced in.

"I am going to end this, once and for all!" Mace shouted, lifting his controller high above his head.

"No!" Anakin protested. "He's going to stop Padmé and Obi-Wan from eloping!"

"I knew you'd been into the oven cleaner," Mace shouted over the screaming guitar. "And I must kill the Chancellor now! He's too dangerous to leave alive!"

Palpatine shielded his face with his hand. "No, I am too weak!" he whimpered feebly. "Don't kill me! At least let me perform my Nirvana solo!"

Anakin saw the resolve form in Mace's eyes. As the Jedi Master brought down his arm to deliver the final notes, Anakin ran forward and sliced off Mace's hands with his lightsaber. Mace screamed in agony, and Palpatine took the chance to grab his controller and perform an astounding solo of "Back In Black". The force of it threw Mace through the open window and to the ground, five hundred metres below.

Anakin fell to his knees. "What have I done?" he gasped.

Palpatine stood up and walked slowly towards the young Jedi. "Without my help, Padmé will certainly elope with Obi-Wan. His hair has powers of attraction that you know not."

"Well, do you think if I just got a haircut, she might...?"

"No," Palpatine said firmly. "No, I'm pretty sure you need my help."

Anakin nodded in a resigned manner. "In that case... I pledge myself to your service, my Lord."

"Good," murmured Palpatine; or, as he would now be known by, Lord Sidious. "Now, we need to give you a name."

"I already have a name," Anakin said. "Skystalker, remember?"

"Over my dead body!" Sidious snapped. "No Sith will ever hold that name."

"Alright, well how about Doctor Evil? Or... oh, I know: Lord Voldemort!"

"No, they're both trademark names; the last thing we need right now is for someone to file a lawsuit." Sidious shuddered, remembering the time when Count Dooku had christened himself "The Master", and the creators of _Doctor Who _had sued them for ten million dollars. "No, how about... Darth Vader?"

Anakin muttered the name a few times, testing it out. "Yeah... that's actually pretty cool!"

"It's settled then!" said Sidious, smiling. "Now, I should just warn you that being ruler of the universe isn't all it's cracked up to be. There's a lot more work involved than you would think. It's not all lying around in Jacuzzis with Cyber-Dolphins like that idiot Grievous used to do. No wonder he never got further than Assistant Punisher."

"I'll keep that in mind," Anakin said, nodding.

Sidious went over to his desk and picked up his personal organiser. When he saw the memo "Note: destroy Jedi", he nodded briskly, and turned to his new apprentice. "Now, for your first act as a Sith, I need you to destroy the Jedi... every last one of them."

Anakin shrugged placidly. "Okay. But what about the Jedi that are spread out around the galaxy, fighting in the clone wars?"

"Oh, I have a plan to get rid of them, don't you worry," Sidious reassured him, laughing nastily. "So, do you have any idea how you're going to destroy the Jedi without getting yourself killed?"

"Um... spike their drinks?"

Sidious shook his head slightly. His apprentice frowned, looking around the room for inspiration, and his eyes fell upon the Guitar Hero controller that Mace had so recently discarded.

"Hmm..."

As night fell, a huge army of clones marched up the steps of the Jedi Temple, led by Anakin. Once they had flooded into the cavernous entry hall, a pair of clones set up a Wii console, and Anakin prepared himself for his biggest battle yet.

**Do you know the main reason why I chose to replace lightsaber battles with Guitar Hero duels? Because I'm too lazy to write fight scenes. Oh well, people seem to think it's funny, so everything worked out.**

**In the next chapter, the madness continues. **


	14. Order 66

**Order 66! Things are getting interesting. And there are many more cheesy Guitar Hero battles on the way. **

**Disclaimer: George Lucas owns everything, not me. I also don't own Guitar Hero, or any of the songs I've mentioned in this chapter.**

On Utapau, the clash between the Republic and Separatist armies had just begun. Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon the Second bounded across the platforms of the city to join Commander Cody and his troops.

"Hey, Cody," Obi-Wan called, leaping down from his mount. "Look at my new pet! His name is-"

"Master Kenobi, I'm in the middle of a battle," Cody interrupted wearily.

The clone commander's comlink signalled, and he walked away to answer it. When he flipped the comlink open, a hologram of Lord Sidious appeared.

"The time has come, Commander," Sidious murmured. "Execute Order 66."

Cody nodded obediently and shut off the communication. He began to search through the data banks in his brain, which were a bit dusty from lack of use. After a few minutes, he found Order 66, wedged between Order 13 (cut Sith Lords' toenails) and Order 72 (breakdance spontaneously). According to his information, Order 66 was to destroy all Jedi, but that couldn't be right. Sidious must have meant to say Order 56.

"Execute Order 56!" Cody called to his troops. They immediately reached into their backpacks, pulled out poetry books and began to recite from them.

"I don't think this is right," Cody remarked, frowning.

Cody's comlink signalled; Sidious was contacting him again. "Commander, why are my troops reciting sonnets?" he growled. "Fix this."

"Sorry, my Lord," Cody apologised. "Execute Order 66!"

The clones shoved their poetry books back into their backpacks, and began to set up a Wii console. Cody walked over, picked up a controller and started the game. He played the opening notes of "Hells Bells". A wave of sound rushed towards Obi-Wan, and the force of it threw him over the edge of the platform. As he tumbled through the air, Obi-Wan twisted his body to avoid the sharp rocks, and he fell into the water far below.

Meanwhile, on planets all over the galaxy, clone troops challenged their Jedi commanders to Guitar Hero duels. Sadly, there were no radios at the Jedi Temple; the only song they knew was "Sweet Home Alabama", and it was not strong enough to withstand the might of "Back In Black. The only Jedi who managed to survive was Master Yoda; he had been in an air band in his younger days, so he knew how to play "Smells Like Teen Spirit".

At the Temple, the bodies of Jedi, young and old, lay in the entrance hall; they had all succumbed to Anakin's Guitar Hero prowess. The clones marched along the corridors, searching for any stragglers, while Anakin plundered the Temple of any valuable objects. Anything that was worthless, or too big to fit in his backpack, he set on fire, so that the Temple burned like a beacon in the dark city.

The battle between the Republic and Separatist armies on Kashyyyk was over; the two factions had joined forces to attack the Wookiees. It was time for Master Yoda to make his escape. Captain Tarfur and Chewbacca, two of the Wookiee leaders, located a midget-sized rocket for the Jedi Master to escape in, and they prepared for his departure under the cover of darkness. As Yoda stumped up the short landing platform of the rocket, he turned to farewell his friends.

"Goodbye, Tarfur. Goodbye, Chewbacca. Miss you I will."

Tarfur turned to his comrade and growled a few phrases which translated to mean: "What? What did he say? Did _you _get any of that?"

Chewbacca barked several words which loosely translated as: "All I got from that was our names and goodbye, and that's good enough for me."

Assuming they were saying touching farewells, Yoda stepped into his ship. The rocket blasted off into the night sky, leaving a very confused silence behind.

Obi-Wan managed to survive his fall without any serious injuries, but it took him a while to drag himself out of the deep pool that he had fallen into. Once he had succeeded in pulling himself back up to the main level of the city, he ran straight to a landing platform, where a small ship was parked. As his ship flew away from the city and up into the atmosphere, he attempted to contact the Jedi Temple; there was no answer. In desperation, he sent a message to the Senator from Alderaan, Bail Organa, who had been loyal to the Jedi.

"Senator Organa, my clone troops had some sort of malfunction. They started playing Guitar Hero during battle."

A hologram of Bail appeared on the instrument panel. "It appears that an army of clones attacked the Temple with the same malfunction. I'll send you my coordinates."

As Obi-Wan set his new course, he wondered distantly what Anakin had been getting up to. _Probably nothing_, he thought carelessly. _I bet he's just lying on the couch drinking beer, or going out for drinks with friends, or doing anything else that involves alcohol._

Poor Obi-Wan had no idea how wrong he was.

After his business at the Jedi Temple was concluded, Anakin decided to visit Padmé's apartment. There, he would be able to have a nice relaxing drink, and put some ice on his fingers, which were aching from the hours he had spent playing Guitar Hero. After he had gotten bored of his wife's insipid chatter, he would head off to the planet Mustafar, where Lord Sidious had instructed him to meet the Separatist leaders. Anakin was eagerly anticipating this trip. Ever since Count Dooku had mentioned that he liked to drink Mustafarian Lava Whiskey, he had been certain that the planet was some kind of sacred place.

Anakin left the Temple and sped through the night traffic in his new personal ship, a gift from Lord Sidious. It was already equipped with a personalised plate which read, "VADER", and Anakin had also painted it black. As a matter of fact, he was really starting to like that colour; he wondered if Padmé would let him paint the baby's nursery black.

When Anakin landed his ship on the platform in front of the apartment, Padmé ran down the steps towards him, followed by C-3P0 and R2-D2. Anakin jumped out of the cockpit and embraced her while the two droids stood awkwardly behind them. R2-D2 emitted a few beeps and whistles which could be translated as: "Get a room".

"My sensors indicate that that statement is considered offensive," C-3P0 said pompously, "and therefore I should kick you."

C-3P0 kicked his companion with one of his golden metal feet, and the ensuing beeps and whistles reminded Anakin why he was there.

"I just came here to make sure the TV wasn't hurt, and to drop off some stuff I found," Anakin told his wife. "And I think there were some other reasons, but I've forgotten them."

Padmé pouted slightly. "I thought you came here to check on me and the baby."

"That's it! I knew it was something like that."

"What happened at the Temple?" Padmé asked, glancing at the distant glow of fire on the horizon.

"Oh, nothing too serious; the Jedi just tried to overthrow the Republic," Anakin replied, shrugging carelessly.

"What?" Padmé gasped. "I can't believe it! That's terrible! What are you going to do about it?"

"The Chancellor asked me to go to the Mustafar system for a week or two."

"For what?" Padmé asked curiously. "A holiday? Isn't Mustafar a lava planet? Make sure you wear lots of sunscreen."

Anakin gave a frustrated sigh. His wife had never quite grasped the concept of missions; she had always thought they were like extended holidays.

"I don't think the Chancellor really had that in mind," muttered Anakin. "He wants me to meet up with the Separatist leaders, not lie around in hot springs and volcanic mud baths. Anyway, I have to go. C-3P0 will look after you." Anakin felt a kind of savage pleasure in leaving his wife at the mercy of the protocol droid. It would be amusing to see what events unfolded while he was away.

With that, he ran to his ship, leaped into the cockpit and sped away, leaving Padmé alone with the two droids.

"May I help you with anything, Madam?" C-3P0 asked his mistress.

Padmé sighed sadly. "No thankyou, Threepio. I'm going to have a shower."

"Oh." C-3P0 was silent for a moment. "Can I come with you?"

Eyes widening in horror, Padmé stared at the protocol droid. "No," she spluttered. "No!"

As she walked quickly back up the steps into the apartment, Padmé thought gloomily: _This is going to be a very long few weeks._

**Yay, that chapter was actually a good length! I'm getting a little better at this. Please review, tell me what you think about it!**


	15. The Emperor's New Clothes

**Here's the next chapter, posted earlier than usual as requested by Anakin-Jason-Skywalker-Kenobi! Usually I forget to post new chapters for ages, but not this time! This chapter is actually one of my favourites; I hope you guys like it too.**

**Disclaimer: Whatever. I don't own anything. I also stole the title from that Disney movie of the same name, and I don't own the song "You Can Leave Your Hat On". That song cracks me up.**

When Obi-Wan boarded Senator Bail Organa's personal space cruiser, the Senator and Master Yoda were waiting for him. They walked together through the corridors of the ship, discussing their predicament.

"Have you heard from any other Jedi?" asked Obi-Wan.

"Received a message I have, from Blonde_Bimbo42, advising me that there is a karaoke night on at the Outlander nightclub on Coruscant," Yoda told him.

"No," Obi-Wan said patiently, "I asked if you had received any messages from _Jedi_."

"A Jedi it was who sent this message," Yoda insisted. "From Ki-Adi Mundi, it was."

Obi-Wan exchanged a confused look with Bail. "But Ki-Adi doesn't have blonde hair."

"Blonde hair he had, when he was a young woman."

Both Bail and Obi-Wan stared incredulously at Yoda, who shrugged. "True, it is. A bombshell, he was."

"Right," Obi-Wan said loudly. "Senator Organa, did you receive any messages?"

"Nothing except a message from the clones saying there is an all-you-can-eat buffet with extra prawns on at the Jedi Temple tomorrow."

Obi-Wan was aghast. "But if any Jedi hear that message, they'll fall right into the trap!"

"Oh, do you think it's a trap?" Bail asked, looking surprised. "I was looking forward to that buffet." His mouth-watering buffet fantasy imploded, and he looked down at his feet, disappointed.

"Delete the message, we must," Yoda remarked, ignoring Bail. "Cancel my facial I will, and go to the Temple we shall."

As the Senator's space cruiser approached the dull grey planet of Coruscant, a chime sounded and a hologram of Chancellor Palpatine's assistant, Mas Amedda, appeared on the instrument panel. He was an intimidating Chagrian with blue skin, two horns on either side of his face, and another two horns on top of his head. Today, his horns were decorated with festive baubles, on which was written, "Happy Introduction of the Empire Day!" Amedda did not look pleased about this.

"Senator Organa, the Chancellor requests your presence at his Imperial victory celebration party tomorrow," he said in a bored monotone. Noticing that Bail appeared to be transfixed by the gentle bobbing of the baubles, Amedda removed them. "It is fancy dress. Please bring wine."

Bail nodded in agreement; at the same time, he tried to clear his head by shaking it. This only made him dizzy, and confused Amedda. "I'll be there," Bail said, grabbing onto the side of his seat to keep himself steady.

The hologram disappeared, and Bail turned towards the two Jedi standing behind him. "What costume should I wear?"

"Go as a Jedi," Obi-Wan suggested. "That'll shut Palpatine up."

"No, something subtle and refined," Bail pondered. "Like..."

Obi-Wan folded his arms and glared out of the window, angered by Bail's comment that Jedi were not subtle and refined.

"Elvis Presley!" Bail finished triumphantly.

When Bail arrived at the Chancellor's office for the party, the first thing he noticed was that the host himself, dressed as the devil, was dancing to "You Can Leave Your Hat On" with his secretaries. Averting his eyes from this gruesome sight, he went to greet Padmé, who was dressed as a nun to hide her pregnancy. Bail allowed himself a little chuckle at the irony of this.

As he and Padmé began to discuss the startling events at the Jedi Temple, Palpatine tapped on a wine glass with a spoon and cleared his throat loudly. The room fell silent.

"As you all know, only a few days ago the Jedi attempted to overthrow the Republic," he began. "A fight with one of the Jedi has left me scarred and disfigured. However, I am considering plastic surgery to rectify this problem. As for any remaining Jedi, they will be hunted down and killed!" He swished his forked tail angrily. "To ensure there will be no more rebellions, the Republic will be reformed into the first Galactic Empire!"

All of the guests cheered and raised their glasses. Bail started to raise his as well, but stopped and hurriedly took a sip when he saw the look on Padmé's face.

"In other news, I will shortly be performing a striptease!" Palpatine added.

The party guests cheered and raised their glasses again. Three quarters of them were too drunk to object to this proclamation; the remaining quarter were just perverts.

While the Senators celebrated the political reformation of the Galaxy, Obi-Wan and Yoda fought their way past the troops of clones guarding the Temple. As they hurried up the stone steps and into the entrance hall, they were confronted with a scene of total devastation. The bodies of Jedi of all ages were strewn across the floor amongst shards of broken statues. Obi-Wan and Yoda walked slowly across the room, mouths open in horror.

The two Jedi knelt beside the lifeless body of a young Padawan.

"Who could have done these terrible things?" Obi-Wan asked numbly.

"Asked an eye-witness, I did," Yoda replied. "Said, he did, that responsible for this, young Skywalker is."

As usual, Obi-Wan had a little trouble understanding what the tiny Jedi Master was saying. "I'm sorry?" he asked, frowning.

"By Skywalker was this done," Yoda repeated, slightly louder this time.

Obi-Wan looked blankly at him. "Well, obviously you have no idea who did this," he said kindly, thinking he was doing Master Yoda a favour.

"Oh, on come!" Yoda shouted, banging on the floor with his gimer stick.

The two Jedi moved on to the Jedi archives. Obi-Wan located the false message about the buffet and deleted it, along with some footage of himself breaking Master Yoda's hoverchair. _What Master Yoda doesn't know won't hurt him_, he reasoned.

"Maybe if I look in the security camera archives, we'll be able to find out who's responsible," Obi-Wan stated.

Yoda began to protest loudly; there was some footage of the Jedi Council's end of year party that he really didn't want anyone to see. Unfortunately, Obi-Wan couldn't understand what he was saying.

"Well, your funeral, it is," Yoda muttered.

Holograms of Jedi doing various boring things appeared on the control panel: Yoda eating breakfast; Mace reading the newspaper; Anakin stealing pens from his colleagues' desks; and finally, Anakin pledging himself to Lord Sidious and killing Jedi with his Guitar Hero skills. "I can't believe it," Obi-Wan gasped. "This can't be true!"

"Told you, I did," Yoda remarked. "Know you do that kill the Sith we must."

"No!" Obi-Wan shook his head violently. "I will not kill Anakin! He's like a brother to me! And besides, I really want to inherit his CD collection when he dies."

"Destroy the Sith we must!" Yoda insisted.

"But I don't even know where Anakin is," Obi-Wan cried. "He could be anywhere! I mean, he's probably at his favourite bar, or at Senator Amidala's apartment... why does he always go there? Well, never mind that now; the point is that he _could _be anywhere!"

Yoda struggled not to laugh at Obi-Wan's ignorance. "On Mustafar, he is. Foreseen it, I have."

"Well, I don't know where that is," Obi-Wan argued.

"Use the GPS system, Obi-Wan."

"Oh. Yes, Master."

**Now none of you can escape from the image of Lord Sidious in a devil costume, as well as the image of him in Speedos! *evil laugh*. In other news, Ki-Adi Mundi apparently was blonde in his younger days, so I didn't just make that up. He wasn't a woman though. **

**Reviews please? :)**


	16. The Final Battle

**After this one, there's only one chapter left! :O But first: the duel between Anakin and Obi-Wan. Obviously, it is nowhere near as exciting, or as long, as the duel in the movie, because I'm lazy, and I hate writing fight scenes. But it should hopefully be funny.**

**Disclaimer: I'm not George Lucas. Or am I? No, I'm not. So, I did not create Star Wars. Other things that aren't mine: Botox (if that's a copyrighted name), The Simpsons, Guitar Hero, and all of the songs I mentioned in this chapter. Also, I used a couple of lines from the actual movie, since they fit in pretty well with my version of the story.**

Yoda and Obi-Wan separated at the foot of the Temple's steps, and the younger Jedi went to a nearby diner for lunch. While he ate, he thought about what to do next. So he asked himself: "What would Sherlock do?" After some careful thought, and perhaps a few too many drinks, Obi-Wan decided to pay a visit to Senator Amidala's apartment. For some reason, Anakin had been spending a lot of his time there for the past few years, so Obi-Wan figured that Padmé might know what Anakin was doing on Mustafar.

At first, Padmé was a little displeased that Obi-Wan had interrupted her while she was doing the housework. However, the Jedi had assured her that he would not be in the way. So, he followed Padmé around the apartment, asking her questions, while she cleaned the toilet and washed the floor.

"When was the last time you saw Anakin?" Obi-Wan asked.

"Yesterday," Padmé answered, wiping her wet hands on her dress. "He dropped in briefly, to check on me and- uh, the TV."

Obi-Wan stared at her. He didn't need to be Sherlock to know that she was hiding something.

"Right. Do you know what he did after that?"

"No," Padmé said quickly, in a manner that made Obi-Wan sure that she was lying.

"Padmé, this is very important," Obi-Wan urged her. "You must tell me the truth. Besides, I already know he's on Mustafar, so you might as well tell me what else you know."

She scowled and threw down her washcloth. "Okay, okay. The Chancellor wants him to meet with the Separatist leaders. What do you need to find him for, anyway?"

"He is in danger," Obi-Wan said truthfully.

Padmé spun around to face him. "From the Sith?"

"From himself."

"He's not an alcoholic!" Padmé cried. "Okay, so he likes a bit of beer after work, and he occasionally drinks a little rum, but-"

"No, that's not it," Obi-Wan interrupted. "Anakin has turned to the Dark Side, Padmé."

Padmé dropped the cloth she was holding. "What? You mean he's gay?"

"No! I mean that he's a Sith apprentice!"

"Oh." Padmé gave a relieved sigh. "God, you had me worried there for a moment."

"I have to find him, Padmé."

"You're going to kill him, aren't you?" she cried, horrified.

"No!" Obi-Wan said quickly, in a manner that made Padmé sure he was an idiot. "Uh, I just want to borrow his speeder."

Padmé glared stonily at him. "Anakin doesn't have a speeder."

"Oh," Obi-Wan muttered feebly.

There was a short pause as Padmé went back to her housework. _I'm losing her_, Obi-Wan thought frantically. _Hmm... what would Sherlock do?_

"Anakin's the father, isn't he?" he asked. _Oh, wait_, he realised belatedly. _That's not Sherlock, that's a bad soap opera._

Padmé sighed. "Yeah, you got me. How did you figure it out?"

"Well, for a start, look at the dress you're wearing. No-one would wear that hideous thing unless they were pregnant."

"Excuse me?" Padmé snapped. "I made this dress in Textile Studies at high school."

"Ah." Obi-Wan began to back quickly away. "Well, bye."

Without another word, he turned, ran backwards down the steps and tripped over the hedge. Not exactly a smooth Sherlock exit.

As soon as Obi-Wan had left the apartment, Padmé resolved to follow her husband to Mustafar. She knew all too well that Obi-Wan was a far more skilled swordsman than Anakin, and she couldn't let her husband die. Besides, if anyone could make him change his mind about the path he had chosen, it was her. So she put on her lava-proof stripper heels and boarded her private transport, along with C-3P0. Neither of them noticed Obi-Wan sneak into the ship after them.

Obi-Wan hid in a small compartment which he assumed was a storage room, but was actually, as he discovered mid-flight, the toilet. He hoped fervently that Padmé didn't have a sudden urge to go to the toilet; he couldn't risk being discovered.

Strangely, Anakin's comlink signal was coming from the Mustafarian Botox Factory. Padmé hoped that her husband was not "touching himself up" while he was there. The space cruiser floated down through the atmosphere of the planet and landed on a platform at the factory. There was a small control station a short distance away; below that there was only a river of lava. Workers were busy spooning lava into vats, and filling the Botox needles with the fiery mixture. _Huh_, Padmé thought. _So that's what's in those things. Maybe I should cancel that appointment with the cosmetic surgeon. Then again... while I'm here, I could get some of my stretch marks removed..._

Her thoughts were interrupted as she saw Anakin emerge from the control station and run across the platform towards her ship. Padmé jumped out of her seat and ran down the landing ramp to meet him.

"Are you alright, Anakin?" she asked frantically. "Obi-Wan said terrible things! He said that you'd gone to the Dark Side! At first I thought he meant that you'd turned gay, but then he explained."

Anakin shifted uncomfortably, hoping his friend hadn't told Padmé about that time he had kissed Obi-Wan while he was drunk. "Don't listen to him," Anakin said angrily. "He's just jealous that I have a wife and he's never even kissed anyone!" _Except me. Why did I do that?_

"He's going to kill you!" Padmé cried, close to tears now.

"Don't be silly!" Anakin laughed. "He'll never be able to defeat me! I mean, come on, he listens to classical music! Watch _this_!"

He drew his Guitar Hero console with a flourish, and it hit Padmé on the Temple. She crumpled to the ground, completely unconscious.

"Oops," Anakin said guiltily. "Sorry, honey!"

Obi-Wan had witnessed all of this from inside the cruiser. Assuming that Anakin had turned into a wife-beater as well as a murderer, he ran down the landing ramp to confront his former apprentice.

Anakin snarled with rage when he saw Obi-Wan, believing that he was there on Padmé's request. _How could they do this to me? After all I've done for them! _This wasn't much, now that he thought about it. He'd sexually assaulted Padmé several times, then knocked her up, and he'd flagrantly disobeyed all of Obi-Wan's orders since he was nine years old. In fact, perhaps an apology was in order. Although, that didn't sound like much fun... so instead he decided to simply kill Obi-Wan, then apologise, to avoid embarrassment.

'Aha!" Anakin shouted. "So it's _true_! You _do _want to elope with Padmé! You _disgust _me!"

Obi-Wan looked baffled. "What are you talking about? I knew I should have locked that cabinet where I keep the oven cleaner-"

"I haven't been drinking oven cleaner!" Anakin snapped. "I got over that addiction months ago. But anyway, let's get on with it."

He held his Guitar Hero controller at the ready. Obi-Wan pulled his own controller from his belt and the battle began. Anakin launched into "Back In Black", his signature song. Unfortunately for him, Obi-Wan had learned how to play "TNT", which was a stronger tune, and he quickly gained the upper hand. In desperation, Anakin turned up the volume on his controller... and the force of the sound threw him backwards, right into a giant barrel full of Botox needles.

Anakin's body became stiff all over, and he staggered around the platform, unable to see. Obi-Wan took the opportunity to ignite his lightsaber and slice off Anakin's arms.

Groaning in pain, Anakin fell to the ground, his controller falling from his hands.

"You were the Chosen One!" Obi-Wan shouted. "You were supposed to bring the Force into balance and save the Galaxy!"

"Well, that was a lot to live up to," Anakin argued. "I had other stuff on my mind, okay? Unlike you, I have a wife."

"Hey, I like being celibate! It's very fulfilling."

Anakin snorted disbelievingly.

"Well, bye," Obi-Wan said awkwardly. He threw his controller to the ground and ran over to Padmé. She was still alive, but she had some nasty head injuries. Lifting her into his arms, Obi-Wan staggered back into the ship. Once he had dumped Padmé onto a sleep couch, he sat down at the controls.

Anakin watched as his wife's cruiser flew up into the atmosphere. "Oh, well," he sighed. "At least I'm going to die with taut and flawless skin."

As he lay on the ground, minutes from death, his gaze was caught by a small black transport flying over him. The ship glided down towards the Factory and touched down lightly on the platform. Lord Sidious and three clones marched down the exit ramp and hurried towards Anakin.

"Excellent!" Sidious hissed, in a manner reminiscent of a certain evil billionaire from an animated TV show. "He's still alive. And with beautiful skin, might I add. Yes, he will make a fine Sith Lord."

He threw his head back and laughed maniacally. Uncertainly, the three clones joined in. Lord Sidious abruptly stopped laughing and glared at them. "What are you doing? You only laugh on my orders!"

The three clones sobered immediately. "Apologies, sir."

**I've never actually played Guitar Hero... it looks fun though. I'll have to try it sometime. We're so close to the end of the story now! Thank you for sticking with it for so long, I hope you've been enjoying it! Stay tuned for the final chapter!**


	17. I Guess I'll Meet You In The Afterlife

**Here it is! The final chapter! Wow... it's taken a long time to get here. Tacked onto the end of this chapter is the epilogue, which includes a visit from one of my favourite characters (if you've read my Star Wars II spoof, you'll know who this is). **

**Revenge of the Disclaimer: I still don't own Star Wars, which kind of sucks since I spent about three years writing this damn thing. It was fun though! I don't own Twitter or the song "Baby Got Back". Also, the title is from a song by Children Collide, which I don't own either.**

**So, without further ado:**

Obi-Wan rushed Padmé to a medical facility on a nearby moon, where Master Yoda and Senator Organa were waiting. The three men stood and watched from behind a glass barrier as medical droids tended to Padmé in the room beyond. After a few minutes, a droid emerged and approached them.

"We can't find anything medically wrong with her... well, apart from this fatally large wound in her head. My diagnosis is that she is dying of a broken heart. I understand that is considered to be a real ailment by you humans. Oh, and she's pregnant too."

"What?" Bail gasped. "Oh my God, I have got to tweet this right now!" He pulled out his phone and began to frantically press buttons.

"Stupid Skywalker!" Yoda shouted. "Fathering children all over the place! This never happened in my day!"

"Hey!" Obi-Wan said. "I actually understood that!"

As Yoda continued to rant, Obi-Wan went into the room beyond. A short time later, two babies were born: a boy and a girl.

'Luke and Leia," Padmé told Obi-Wan. "That's L-E-I-A, not L-A-Y-E-R. Don't you dare change that spelling, Obi-Wan. Oh, and for my will, I leave you C-3P0 and R2-D2."

Obi-Wan suppressed a groan.

"I leave Yoda my oven," Padmé continued, oblivious to Obi-Wan's complaints. "He'll need it where he's going. And for Senator Organa..."

She continued to recite her bequests to everyone from the doorman of her apartment block to her massage therapist. _Is this supposed to happen? _Obi-Wan wondered. _Do people usually take this long to die?_

He was just hoping that she would run out of possessions to give when her eyes closed, and the life left her. Obi-Wan breathed a sigh of relief, and tried to look grief-stricken.

While his wife was dying, Anakin was healing. Medical droids stitched up his wounds and attempted to repair the damage the Botox had done, but the internal injuries were very severe. Their only option was to seal his body into a heavy mechanical suit and gleaming helmet which were equipped with life-support technology. Darth Vader's new suit was completely black.

Once the suit and helmet were in place, the room was silent except for Vader's deep mechanical breathing. Eventually, Sidious pulled his apprentice into a standing position and asked, "Can you hear me, Lord Vader?"

"Yes, Master," said Vader in a deep, quiet voice. "Where is Padmé? Is she safe?"

Sidious' smile vanished. "Uh... it appears that in your anger, you killed her."

"What?" Vader rasped. "No! I can't have!"

"I'll just give you a minute to recover from that," Sidious said. He was silent for ten seconds. "Okay, that's long enough."

Luckily, Darth Vader had already gotten over the death of his wife. He was busy examining his new apparel.

"I think I'm going to like having this new body," he enthused. "I even have a built-in radio!"

Vader pressed a button on his chest and the radio switched on. The song "Baby Got Back" started to play out of his helmet. "I like BIG BUTTS..." he sang loudly.

Lord Sidious shook his head. _Oh, dear_, he thought wearily. _I have the feeling it's going to take a long time to train him to be as evil as me._

After Padmé's death, Obi-Wan, Yoda and Senator Organa retreated to a private room to discuss the future of her children.

"Hidden away, the children must be, so that Darth Vader cannot feel their presence," Yoda declared.

Bail nodded slowly. "I will take the girl. My husband and I have been hoping to adopt a little girl for a long time."

"Husband?" Obi-Wan spluttered. "But... what?"

"Gay marriage is legal on Alderaan," Bail said pointedly.

To cover up the embarrassment this revelation caused him, Obi-Wan asked, "What about the boy?"

Yoda closed his eyes. "To his family on Tatooine he will go," he announced, after a few seconds of silent thought.

Obi-Wan nodded in agreement. "I will take the boy and watch over him."

"Meet again, I expect we shall, sometime in the future," Yoda remarked, secretly hoping that they wouldn't.

"Yes," agreed Obi-Wan. "I think I'll age abnormally in the intervening years and become a hermit."

"Become a hermit also on my home planet of Dagobah, I will," Yoda said. "Unlike you, age gracefully, I shall; but look slightly different because, rather than CGI, use a puppet for me, they will."

"I hope I get a different haircut," Obi-Wan said thoughtfully, already considering bringing back the mullet.

Yoda nodded; he definitely needed a haircut. "Lose my speech impediment, I hope to."

Bail looked around at his companions. "I sure hope the next movie is better than this one."

Epilogue

A year later, two men sat in front of a ragged hut, drinking beer and watching the twin suns of Tatooine set. On the left was Obi-Wan, and on the right his former Master, Qui-Gon Jinn.

"I can't believe you named a lizard after me," Qui-Gon said, shaking his head.

"He was a very nice lizard!" Obi-Wan argued. "You would have liked him. He died, though, so I got a bantha to replace him."

Qui-Gon looked dubiously at his old apprentice. "Out of all the creatures in the Galaxy, why did you choose to have a bantha? You could have had a really cool pet, like a Nexu."

"Bantha produce excellent milk," Obi-Wan pointed out. "Well, the milk is green, but it tastes pretty good. Hey, do you want to know what my bantha's name is?"

"Oh, God..."

"His name is Qui-Gon the Third," Obi-Wan said triumphantly.

The bantha's namesake glared angrily at his friend. "Don't you dare name anything else after me, Obi-Wan."

For a few minutes, both men stared out at the shadows rolling across the white sand before them, sipping their beer.

"So, what are you going to do now?" Qui-Gon asked, breaking the long silence.

"Well, aside from go crazy and talk to my kettle, I am going to watch over Anakin's son." Obi-Wan frowned worriedly. "While I'm on the subject, how am I supposed to tell him that his father is Darth Vader?"

"That will be an interesting conversation," Qui-Gon remarked. "Actually, let me know when you're going to do that; I'd really like to watch."

Obi-Wan looked reproachfully at his old friend.

"What?" Qui-Gon said defensively. "There isn't much to do in the afterlife." He drained the last few drops of his beer and threw the bottle out onto the sand. "Well, this was nice; we should do it again sometime. But right now, I have a wife and children to return to."

"Yeah, yeah," Obi-Wan sighed, rolling his eyes. "I get it; I'm a lonely, friendless, hermit."

"Oh, don't say that," Qui-Gon said reassuringly, patting his former apprentice on the shoulder. "You still have Qui-Gon the Third; plus the kettle, once the fragile threads of your sanity have finally snapped. And I'll drop in every now and then, I promise. Goodbye, Obi-Wan."

As Qui-Gon's form began to slowly dissipate, Obi-Wan raised his beer in farewell.

"See you on the other side!"

The End

**Yay! What did you guys think? I hope you've all enjoyed reading my story! Out of all the stuff I've written, it's definitely my personal favourite, so I was so pleased to receive all of your lovely reviews! I've been keeping a tally of the people who've been reading this story since I published the first chapter, so that I could give a special thanks to everyone. Sorry if I missed anyone!**

**Arxaime; The RaNdOm Nutty Pie Lover; FireFriday; TheLunyOne; Michelle Erika; bobbo08; SheinoRiff; Kaixa93; Katie Ladmoore; Scifilover; StarWarsNerdGirl; Just-another-writer95; unrealwarfang; Nazgul of xord; Elfanyan; CC-RandomDragon; Gretzkyfan1; Wild Imagination 7; .; Nhyratak; Mega-Prindel-of-Doom; Tipear; don'twannabetorn9; bonebanditkonner; hnhnh2; Anakin-Jason-Skywalker-Kenobi; KlinicallyInsaneKoschei; The Magic of the Night; Angel Wings-008; I'm.; Akolbi; DarthPhoenixFire; duckvader23; Uchihacest Girl; Demon Lord of Blood; mademoiselleannamai; Snips Skywalker; TooGingerForAName; Don'tCallMeSammy.**

**So many people! Thankyou thankyou thankyou to all of you guys, plus anyone I may have accidentally missed out. I hope you've had fun reading my story. Hopefully I'll speak to all of you again soon! Byeee! :) xxoo**


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